Funny jokes-New Year resolution

New Year resolution

2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 5 days a week.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Economy jokes-Back to Mexico

"The economy is still hurting. Thirty percent of Americans are so disillusioned, they are thinking of moving back to Mexico."
- Jay Leno

Really funny jokes-Henpecked Husbands

Henpecked Husbands

* He comes right out and says what she tells him to Think.

* She does not have to raise the roof, all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.

* He always has the last word - he says, "I'm sorry".

* He was a man about town; she has turned him into a mouse around the house.

* The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.

* He was a dude before marriage - now he is Subdued.

* He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.

Short funny jokes-In labor

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Hilarious jokes-Ways to tell someone their fly is open

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.

11. I can see the gun of Navarone.

10. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

9. You've got Windows on your laptop.

8. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

7. Your soldier aint so unknown now.

6. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

5. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

4. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

3. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

One line jokes-Down under

Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

Christmas jokes-Bald

What's your dad getting for Christmas?

Bald and fat.

Really funny jokes-Training for Women

Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First

8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You've Worn Before

Christmas jokes-A drunk's night

A Drunk’s Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
There were bottles of booze left around by some louse.
When through the North window there came a loud yell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell…

And what to my bloodshot eyes should I see,
But eight drunken reindeer caught up in a tree.
And there in the branches, was a man with a sleigh.
I knew it was Santa, quite tiddley and gay.

Staggering nearer those eight reindeer came,
While he belched and hiccoughed and called them by name
“On Whiskey! On Vodka! we ain’t got all night,
You too, Gin and Brandy, now all do it right!

Clamber up on the roof, and get off this wall,
Get going you rummies, we’ve still got a long haul!”
So up on the roof went the reindeer and sleigh,
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could sway.

And then to my ears like the roll of a barrel,
A hell of a noise that was no Christmas carol.
So I pulled in my head and I cocked a sharp ear,
Down the chimney he plunged, landing smack on his rear.

He was both plump and chubby, and tried to stand right,
But he didn’t fool me, he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to work
And missed half the stockings, the drunken old jerk.

Then putting his thumb to the end of his nose,
He fluttered his fingers as he quoted prose.
As he sprung for his sleigh at so hasty a pace,
He tripped on a shingle and he slid on his face.

But I heard him call back as he passed out of sight,
“Merry Christmas, you lushes, now really get tight!”

Political jokes-Obama and Bush

“Rush Limbaugh said that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it weren’t for George W. Bush’s policies.”
–Jimmy Fallon

Really funny jokes-Two sides to a movie

On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from "the wrong side of the screen."

One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officer's IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."

"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."

Football jokes-Tornado

Q: Where do you go in Philadelphia in case of a tornado?

A: To the Linc - they never have a touchdown there!

Christmas jokes-Little angel

One Christmas, a long time ago, Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were problems ...... everywhere.

Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which stressed him even more.

After a while, he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.

Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to the ground, scattering their contents all over the place. Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to cheer him up.

The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever seen? Where would you like me to put it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Obama jokes-Taxpayer

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is spent wisely. But there was one embarrassing moment when he had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was.”
–Jay Leno

Really funny jokes-Drafted

I didn't enlist in the Army - I was drafted.

So I wasn't going to make life easy for anyone.

During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"

"What letters?" I answered slyly.

"Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."

Clean jokes-Constipation problem

An old woman went to see her doctor about her constipation problem.

"It's horrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Yes, doctor," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a 20 minutes in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Calorie distribution

Veronica and Deborah decided to split a can of Diet Pepsi. Veronica opened the can, and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend's glass. Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.

"Only one calorie per can," she read aloud.

"Hmm," murmured Deborah. "I wonder which glass has the calorie?"

Short funny jokes-No idea

A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"

And the driver replies "Bout wut?"

Really funny jokes-Best memory

A Man and his son were hiking in the grand canyon. The go around some bends, over some hills, and through some nooks. They round the bend and see a native American sitting on a rock.

The father points to the native American and says, "son, native Americans have the best memory of any peoples in the world."

The young son thinks he's quite the smart one and goes up to the native American and says, "What did you have for breakfast last Tuesday."

Without hesitation the Native American responds, "eggs." The son is impressed and goes on with the hike with his father.

30 years later the son is now a grown man, and is hiking the same trail with his own son. He goes around the same bends, over the same hills, and lo and behold, rounds the corner and there is that same native American on the same rock.

He's an older wiser man now, and will really test this native American. He walks up, raises his hand in greeting and says "HOW"

Native American responds, "Scrambled."

One line jokes-Hammer

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

Hilarious jokes-Complicated family

Robert and Sam had become friends recently. They were sitting in a coffee shop and trying to get to know each other.

Robert: “Tell me something about your family.”

Sam: “Sure thing. I have two brothers and two sisters. What about you?”

Robert: “No siblings. But I have three moms because of my first dad and three dads because of my first mom.”

Good jokes-Services operating jointly

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to secure a building, they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Really funny jokes-History repeats itself

Bobby’s five year old received a water gun from his grandfather. The kid was mighty pleased and instantly ran to the tap to fill it up. Bobby was a little anxious.

Bobby: “Dad, I wonder what made you buy that gift, don’t you remember how I used to harass you and drive you crazy?”

Dad (with a twinkle in his eyes): “Sure, I do. I do.”

Football jokes-Tennessee Titans fans

What do you get when you put the girlfriends of a dozen Tennessee Titans fans in one room?

A full set of teeth!

Lawyer jokes-Hilarious quotes

Quotes by Lawyers

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Funny jokes-Light hearted humor about France

Some light hearted humor related to France

1. An old saying: Raise your right hand if you like the French. Raise both hands if you are French.

2. How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

3. I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.
- General George S. Patton

4. Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.
- Norman Scwartzkopf

5. Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.

Really funny jokes-The Genie's condition

Benny Shapiro worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. He used to tell his friends that he was the curator, although his primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished.

One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous Genie appeared before him.

"Master," the Genie began, "I am the Genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49% of the total Microsoft stock which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife and lo and behold she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating - while the memory of the Genie's warning faded. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.

The moral of the story?

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.

Clean jokes-APPLE and BLACKBERRY

Our parents taught us the meaning of APPLE and BLACKBERRY

Now

We are teaching them the features of APPLE and BLACKBERRY . .

One line jokes-Follow your dreams

Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.

Office jokes-Signs your Boss is Stupid

Signs your Boss is Stupid

Schedules emergency visit to urologist after overhearing office gossip regarding "Peter principle" and "downsizing."

Answers every question with "yes," "no," or "reply hazy, try again later."

Finally traded in the company fleet of Ford Pintos -- for Ford Explorers.

You've just received permission to leave for your 4th fact- finding trip to learn about "Tolkien Ring Networks" this week.

Thinks that by monitoring your e-mail he.. is the best loved, nicest and by far the most brilliant boss to work for.

Believes that Britney really "is' a virgin.

You send him a memo saying that for Halloween, you're coming as The Invisible Man -- then you don't come in at all. The next day, he promotes you for your ingenuity.

He's attempting to sleep his way to the top, starting with the CEO's wife.

You receive yet "another" fruit basket after calling in the death of your fifth grandmother this year alone.

Bases the company's budget on the $1,000 each employee was going to receive for forwarding Bill Gates's e-mail.

Despite your constant reminders, the moron can't seem to stop counting at five.

Thinks that "downsizing" means ordering a small drink and fries with his burger.

Had the network customized so that he can print confidential documents directly to the shredder.

Took her a month to figure out that the desk lamp wasn't a "Clapper" like on the night stand at home.

No need to ask for a raise; just approach him repeatedly and ask him if he has two tens for a five.

Ever since he approved your "On-Site Telecommuter" idea, you get to go to the office wearing a robe, Superman underpants and bunny slippers.

During meetings, constantly turns to Jesus Gonzalez from Marketing and asks, "What would YOU do?"

Hilarious jokes-Reading problem

An eye specialist to a patient: “Read those letters.”

Patient: “Where are they?”

Doctor: “On the board.”

Patient: “Where is the board?”

Doctor: “On the wall.”

Patient: “Where is the wall?”

Obama jokes-Same responsibility

Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

Really funny jokes-No payment for six months

Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete says to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."

The salesman says, "You just make a small down payment... then you don't make another payment for six months."

Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and says, "Who told you about us?"

Kids jokes-Save some money

Dad, would you like to save some money?
I certainly would, son.
Any suggestions?
Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.

Clean jokes-Open the trunk

A Lebanese man was driving when he came to a Syrian Military checkpoint, staffed by a battalion that consisted of young men from Homs. The young soldier pointed his rifle into this man's window and asked to see his papers. Then he asked him to get out of the car and open his trunk.

Realizing that if the soldier saw what was in his trunk he would be arrested, he told the young Homsi soldier that if he took his foot off the break, his car would roll down the hill. He instructed the soldier to get in the car and step on the break while the man opened the trunk.

The man opened the trunk and yelled to the soldier sitting in the car that there was nothing suspicious there. The young Homsi was satisfied and the thanked the Lebanese man and sent him on his way!

Animal jokes-Pampered cow

What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.

Really funny jokes-Small take

A West Virginia man walked into a Kwik Stop and asked for all the cash in the drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for 3 hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Good jokes-Shaking a carpet

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "what's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Animal jokes-Three baby unicorns

There was mother unicorn and she had 3 baby unicorns. The first baby unicorn came and said "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"

The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a daisy fell right on your forehead."

She said "Ah that's sweet."

She kissed her on the cheek and left. The next baby unicorn comes in and she said "Mommy, why did you name Rose?"

The mother replied "Because the day you were born, a rose fell right on your forehead."

She said "Ah thats sweet." She kissed her on the forehead and walked away.

Then the third baby unicorn comes in and she was like "DERREDUBUDUBJEHDK" and the mom said "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"

Funny jokes-Look fat?

When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"

The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

Really funny jokes-Over the tree

A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried, and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him. To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall."

SMS jokes-Reruns

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia?

Documentaries.

Hilarious jokes-Taking turns

While traveling cross country, a couple decided to stop for a cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy stumbled in and headed for the closest stool at the counter. As he lifted his leg over the stool, he cut one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human. The tourist jumped up and screamed, "Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!"

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and said, "Beggin' yer pardon, ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin' turns."

Short funny jokes-Bored housewife

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 41, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy.

Really funny jokes-Drownology

An over-smart tourist was traveling by boat in Hong Kong.

he asked the boatman "Do you know how all life on earth came from the sea?"

Boatman: "No!"

Tourist: "Do you know Biology?"

Boatman: "No, Not much!"

Tourist: "Do you know anything about Psychology, Geography, or Geology?"

Boatman: "No"

Tourist: "Really!! Then What the hell do you know, do you want to die of illiteracy!"

After sometime, the boat started to sink, so the boatman asked the tourist :

Boatman: "Do you know Swimology & Escapology?"

The scared Tourist: "No!! why??"

Boatman: "Really!! Well you will Drownology and Crocodilogy will eat your Bodiology and you will Dieology because of your Badmouthology"

One line jokes-Ruin

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

Funny jokes-Losing hair

Boss: “Sam, you are still so young. Why have you lost so much hair.”

Sam: “Yes sir, it's worry and tension.”

Boss: “What worry?”

Sam: “Losing my hair, sir.”

Clean jokes-Living in Beirut

You live in Beirut when:

1. You can't speak in just one language for more than two sentences straight.

2. You know people by their cars... "Tony with the silver BMW, not the blue one. Tony with the blue one was hanging out with Jean with the black Mercedes. They were met up by Georges with the Red GTI"

3. The guy who polishes your shoes for 250 lira (16 cents) has a brand new state of the art cell phone.

4. You can't get a job because you're not Syrian, Filipino, Sri Lankan, or Egyptian.

5. You have family members in at least three other continents.

6. During the World Cup, you forget what country you're in because of all the Brazilian, German, French, and Italian flags hanging on people's cars, balconies, and over the street.

7. The driver in front of you has a "Michael Schumacher" sticker on his rear window.

Really funny jokes-Wiper blades

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

Hilarious jokes-The chant

There was this man wandering around a by lane aimlessly. He suddenly heard a group shouting “twenty…..twenty…..twenty” in chorus as if in a trance. He saw a building with a tall fence from which the chant was coming.

Curious, the man went near the building, and found a small hole in the fence. He bent a little, put one eye to the hole and saw a group of men chanting the number over and over again. Before he could see further, a finger came out from the hole and poked him in the eye.

As he stumbled back, the chant changed to “twenty one….. twenty one….. twenty one.”