Where do I live?

I had a Maths teacher, Mr. Vikram,  who was well known for being absent minded. He would keep forgetting things and was often made fun of.

It so happened that he moved to a new home in the next block, and fearing he would forget where he lived, his wife jotted down the new address on a piece of paper and gave it to him when he was ready to leave for school. She reminded him to check the note on the way back from school, so he does not end up going to the old address.

Well, Mr. Vikram had a busy day teaching at school and also, had a meeting with the Principal regarding disciplinary measures and new rules to be introduced. He took notes on the back of the piece of paper his wife had given him, and then handed it over to his assistant for follow up forgetting that his new address was on the other side of the piece of paper.

When he started for home, he didn't remember the new home, as expected, and reached his old residence. When he found the door locked, he remembered the new home and started looking in his pocket for the slip of paper. Not finding it, he started wandering the streets looking for his new home, when he came across a young girl.

He stopped her and asked, "Excuse me, my name is Prof Vikram and I teach Maths. Would you, by any chance, know where I live?"

"Certainly yes, daddy," said the girl.

How did it happen?

Dean and Martin were sitting in a bar nursing their respective poisons. Dean appeared to be depressed. Martin asked the reason.

Dean said, “Sometimes I really don’t understand how my wife and I ended up getting married.”

Martin said, “Huh, what’s bothering you?”

Dean went on, “My wife swore to God she would never marry me when I was drunk and I would never even dream of marrying her when I was sober.”

Funny speech

There were two schools-one exclusively for girls and the other only for boys. When the local government passed an ordinance to strictly maintain gender equality, all such institutions had to merge and so did these two schools.

On the opening of the new co education school, the state minister addressed the audience thus:

“Friends, I am aware that some of you may regret the exclusiveness and charm of the old individual schools.  Now I tell you, there are things girls can do and boys cannot and there are things that boys can do that girls cannot. But let me assure you friends, best are the things that girls and boys do together."

In the middle of the night

A recent survey has shown that there is one thing that always rises right in the middle of the night.

Fuel price……

Lawyer joke-Timing of crash

Lawyer: “You were there when the accident occurred?”

Witness: “Yes sir, I was there.”

Lawyer: “Would you mind telling the judge which vehicles were involved in the mishap?”

Witness: “Both were state buses.”

Lawyer: “How did the accident happen?”

Witness: “They were coming from the opposite directions and crashed into each other head on.”

Lawyer: “Did you notice which bus crashed into which bus first?”

Witness: “They crashed into each other at the same time.”

Drilling rights

Tom was an owner of an oil conglomerate who had married a pretty young thing fifteen years younger to him.

One day, Tom barged into his lawyer’s office and demanded, “I want a divorce!"

The Lawyer asked, “On what grounds?”

Tom replied, "I want to charge her with breach of contract.”

The Lawyer said, “What contract? Your spouse is not your property. She is your wedded wife but you don’t own her.”

Tom said, “Well then, I want sole and exclusive rights to drill.”

Some accident this!

Dean was involved in a car accident. He was driving his car with his pet alongside him on the highway when a truck hit him from behind. The impact was severe. Dean was thrown out of his car on one side whereas his dog on the other. Both were badly injured. Dean sued the truck company and the truck company’s lawyer was cross examining him.

Lawyer: “Dean, didn’t you say to the cop that you were alright at the time of the accident?”

Dean: “It was like this. First I put my dog on the passenger seat…and…..”

The lawyer interrupted: “Yes or no? Did you or did you not say you were OK?”

Dean tried to continue: “After putting my pet in the seat, I started the car and reached the highway……”

Lawyer: “Your honor, this fellow is wasting the court’s time. Immediately after the accident when the cop asked him if he was alright, he said ‘I am alright’ and now he is claiming damages from my client.  I have the cop here to testify.”

The judge said: “I love dogs myself. I would like to hear what Mr. Dean has to say, please proceed.”

Dean: “Thank you, your honor. It happened like this. I put my beloved pet in the side seat and drove my car on the highway. This truck came from behind and hit my car real bad. I was thrown out of my car and severely hurt.  My pet was thrown out from the other side. He too was badly injured. He was groaning and in real bad shape. Thereafter this cop came on the site. He saw my dear dog groan and twist in pain. He commented that the dog’s condition was severe, pulled his gun and put him to sleep to ease him from the pain.

Next thing, he came to me with his gun pointing at me and asked "Are you alright? What was I supposed to say, your honor?”

Who is the boss

Santa was getting married. Night before the D day, Banta told him: “Santa, I am giving you a million dollar advice. You have to kill the cat on the first night itself. Show her who is the boss  around here. Make her follow your commands from day one. Otherwise she will be in charge.”

Santa: “But how do I do that?”

Banta: “Simple. Finish all your sentences with ‘or else…… or otherwise……’ when you ask her to do something. For example say- ‘Wife, bring me tea and make it quick or else…….’ “

Santa took the advice literally. On the very first night he ordered her sternly to bring milk with saffron. Thereafter he made it a habit to order her around and the threat was always there in the air. Even while going to bed he would say: “Come to bed pronto or else…….”

Santa’s wife was a simple and obedient woman. She could not understand Santa’s behavior. But she was intelligent and patient. She wisely decided to wait and watch for a few days and see how things turn. Things didn’t change. Santa continued his behavior and she continued to obey him. After about a month of this she decided that Santa was basically a good man and what he was doing was out of his character. And she decided to act, enough was enough.

One day Santa ordered: “Wife, prepare hot water bath for me ..otherwise…..”

Wife retorted: “Otherwise? Otherwise what?”

Santa was at a loss of words. He said: “Otherwise nothing. I will take a cold bath.”

Wife: “Then do.”

 Santa did and they lived happily ever after.

A lot of room

Margaret Jones, a woman of 75 years who had never married in her life, had just one ambition. To get married and lose her virginity. She was a wealthy woman with all good things in life at her disposal.

Somehow, she never got around to get married but she wanted to do it now. She had only one condition - she wanted a man who had never done it, just like herself.

She advertised all over the world looking for that perfect match and finally was able to locate a young guy from Australia, called Shane Warner.

They got married, and she took him to her mansion. While she was getting ready for the night, she heard some loud noises from the adjacent room. When she went to the other room to investigate, she found that all the furniture in the rooms had been moved to the corners.

Margaret asked Shane, "What are you doing, my dear?"

Shane replied, "Madam, I have never done it with a woman in my life, but in case it is similar to doing it to a kangaroo, I am gonna need a lot of room!"