Out of bed

Laura, the hooker, went to see the doc, as she was not feeling too well lately.

Guess what advise the doctor gave her.

The good doctor asked her to stay out of bed for 3 days.

Short funny jokes-Returned

Dr. Herbert called Mrs. Hanks and said, "Mrs. Hanks, your check has returned."

Mrs. Hanks commented, "So has my back pain."

No need

Alex, the shepherd heads to town to buy supplies for his sheep.
While loading up his pickup, he sees Alice, the hooker.

"Hello sweety," he asks, "so what are you charging these days?"

"Hundred bucks," Alice replies.

"If every man raised sheep, we wouldn't need you women," Alex spit out in disgust.

"Of yeah?" she said, "and if vibrators could cut the grass, we wouldn't need you men, either."

Doctor jokes-Shots

Dr. Jones enters the student classroom and starts shouting, "Tetanus! Insulin! Booster!"

One student asked another, "What the hell do you think he is doing?"

The other student replied, "Calling the shots."

Missing the bus

What did Rachel do when she missed her bus number 70?

Well, she simple rode bus number 35 twice.

Question to dentist

Dorothy went to visit her dentist with broken teeth. While she was seated on the dental chair, she asked the dentist, "Before you start working on me, I have a question. Will I be able to play the Saxophone when you are done?"

The dentist replied patiently, "Of course you will!"

Dorothy exclaimed , "Oh wonderful! I couldn't play a note before!"

The fussy customer

Peter, the baker was about to call it a day when a man rushes into his bakery.

"I want to have a cake made right now!" the man exclaims.

"Well, I'm sorry," replies Peter. "But I was just closing shop. My staff has left, all my machines have been turned off. I'm afraid you'll have to come back tomorrow."

The man insisted, "I cannot wait till tomorrow. It's absolutely essential that this cake be made right now!"

Now, Peter hated to turn a customer back, so he says, "Let me see what I can do." He goes inside and turns all his machinery back on. He then comes back to the counter and ties on his apron. "Okay, what do you want?"

The man takes out a sketch from his pocket and shows it to Peter. There is a nicely drawn image of a cake." It has to look just like this," says the man. "Exactly one foot wide, eight inches long, and six inches tall. White frosting, light blue icing, and a green cursive "R" in the middle. Just like this."

Somewhat taken aback, Peter ponders the sketch for a few moments and replies. "I think I can do that. I will have it ready in about an hour."

"An hour!" exclaims the man. "That's will be a problem. I need this in 30 minutes."

"30 minutes?" responds Peter. "I'm not sure I can do that. I suppose I might be able to get it done that fast if I used some pre-made dough. The taste will not be as good though..."

The man replies while checking his watch frantically "I don't care. Just get it done."

So Peter goes back and makes the cake. He works harder and faster than he ever done before, and manages to produce the cake in just about half an hour. He presents it to the man fresh out of the oven. "Will this be adequate?" he asks.

The man takes a measuring tape from his pocket. He checks the length, width, and height very carefully. He then compares it to the sketch. Suddenly, a look of horror comes across his face. "Oh no!" he exclaims. "The 'R' is the wrong shade of green! It has to be the same shade as the sketch. Oh, what will I do now?"

"Relax," says Peter. "If the shade really is a problem I think I can re-ice it. It may take a few more minutes."

"You think you can?" asks the man anxiously. "Well then, please do it fast!"

So the baker quickly takes the cake back and puts on a new "R". A few moments later, he brings it back to man. "There you are. Is this what you wanted?" he asks.

Once again the man examines the cake, checking every detail. He compares the shades of green, and this time decides they're all right. "Okay" says the man quickly, "this is good. Can I pay you now."

"Of course," says Peter, quickly readying the cash register. "The boxes we have available are all over here. You can take your pick."

"Oh no, that won't be required," answers the man. "I'll eat it here."

Hilarious jokes-Two psychiatrists

Two psychiatrists had taken the evening off to have some fun and are enjoying a ride on a bike.

They have an accident and one of them, who had taken a bad fall, in grievously injured, with cuts, bruises and a lot of bleeding.

The other sits by his side and asks,
"Do you want to talk about it ?"

Beautiful eyes

My wife, Dolly has the most beautiful eyes in the world.

The problem is they are so attractive, that they spend all their time looking at each other.

Speeding

Bubba was speeding down the road when a traffic cop stopped him.

Cop: Do you realize you were going above the speed limits?

Bubba: But officer, I am only learning to drive.

Cop: What? Without an instructor?

Bubba: Its a correspondence course, Officer.

Sentimental hug

It was a romantic evening and I hugged my girlfriend Anita tightly in the rain.

Anita looked into my eyes and said, "Hug me once more like that, and I am yours for the rest of my life!"

I retorted, "Uhh, thanks for the warning!"

Sardar jokes-Compliment

Sardar Gurpreet Singh received a letter from his bank on his loan which said: "Sir, your repayment amount is outstanding!"

Sardar Gurpreet Singh replied: "Dear Sir, thanks for the compliment!"

To the Moon

After the tiring wedding ceremony, the tired groom gets romantic and says to the bride, "Darling, should I take you on a ride to the Moon or do you prefer the stars?"

The bridely replies, "Sweetheart, why don't you show me your rocket first. I will decide only after I see it."

Why I Love to go to work without wearing wearing clothes

Why I Love to go to work without wearing wearing clothes

• My boss is always warning me that I need to get my arse to work at 9 AM
• I can always say, "I would love to share the expenses but I left my wallet in my trousers."
• I am tired of lecherous men at the workplace looking down my blouse!
• I would like to know if it feels the same like in the dreams
• Nobody would steal your pen after they see where you keep them
• Nobody notices that you also came to work drunk.

Like undies

Passwords are like undies. Do you know why?

• Well for starters, one should not be leave them out where others can see them.
• The need to be changed regularly
• And lastly, they should not be passed on to strangers.

What is a girl supposed to do?

What is a girl supposed to do?

The other day, I got a call from an unidentified number.

The caller said: Do you have a boyfriend?

I replied: Yes, why?

The caller said: So you have a boyfriend. This is your FATHER! You are barely in your teens and you have a boyfriend already?! I am coming home right now so we can have a little discussion!

I was already in trouble, and then I received another call, again from an unidentified number.

The caller said: Do you have a boyfriend?

I said : NO.

The caller said: This is your boyfriend. I can see you don't love me.

I said: Wait, sweetheart. I love you!!

The caller said : This is not your boyfriend. It's still your FATHER. I wanted to re-confirm you have a boyfriend. I'm on my way!!

Good excuse

Sara  shouting at her husband, Dave : How could you go out alone with the neighbor's wife to watch a movie?

Dave: There is so much flesh and violence in movies today, how is a man supposed to watch a movie with his family?

Smarter than a kid

It was my turn to drive the carpool and drop the children to school. We were on the way to school, when a six-year-old boy asked me how the moon shines.

Trying to sound smarter then a 6 year old, I explained, "When the light from the Sun hits the moon and reflects back, we are able to see the light. It's the same as - when you look into a mirror and the light reflects back your image and you can see yourself." I was feeling proud for sounding intelligent.

The boy promptly replied, "Mrs. Jones, I do not glow like the moon in the mirror, so how does it glow?"

Well, he had me there and I managed to say, "That's the reason why your parents are sending you to school, so you can find out and tell me."

Doctor jokes-Hiding a $10 bill

Q. How does one hide a $10 bill from a General Surgeon?

A. One needs to hide it in the patient's bills.

Q. How does one hide a $10 bill from an Orthopedic Surgeon?
A. One needs to hide it in a textbook.

Q. How does one hide a $10 bill from a Plastic Surgeon?
A. That's a tricky one - one can't.

Really funny jokes-Composed old man

An old man had to be admitted to hospital due to a painful illness. The doctors told his family that there were little chances of his survival.

So his entire family gathered around his hospital bed and as family members do, everybody tried to cheep him up.

"Your face looks brighter today," said his wife.

"You seem to be breathing much easier," said his son.

"You look fresh", added a nephew.

The old man, as composed as ever, remarked "Thank God! It's good to learn that I am going to die a cured man!"

Short funny jokes-Arrested

Q: Did you hear about the guy who was who was stopped by the highway police for having sodium chloride and a twelve-volt in his Chevy?

A: He was arrested for a salt and battery.

Future plans

Nine-year-old Derick's parents were chatting with him regarding his future plans. Derick said he would like to go to Harvard just like his parents and other family members had done. Happy that their child was being sensible about his future, they pressed on.

"And what would you like to take when you attend college?" they asked Derick.

Pondering over it for some time, and glancing around the living room, he replied, "The TV, if you don't mind me taking it."

Short funny jokes-Hide cash

Q. If you need to hide cash from a Harley Davidson rider, where should you keep it?

A. That's not difficult, just put it in the bathroom, below the soap.

Short funny jokes-The workshop

Tina was gossiping with her friend Sara.

Tina : Can you tell the Secret for a successful marriage?

Sara: You tell.

Tina: It's "The Work-Shop". The husband works while the wife shops!

How things work at the Pearly Gates

An old man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates where he is greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter says to the old man, "I'll explain the rules to you. You need 100 points to enter heaven. You can start telling me all the good deeds that you have done and I will allot you points. If you score a hundred, you will be given entry."

The old man begins, "I was happily married to the same woman for 63 years. I never as much as looked at another woman in my life. I loved my wife and took care of all her needs."

"That's good," says St. Peter. "I'll give you 3 points."

"Oh," says the man. "This is going to be tougher than I thought. Well, I was regular at church regularly, volunteered my time and prayed faithfully."

"Fine," says St. Peter, "That will be another 2 points."

"Just 2 points?" says the old man. "All right, I was also involved with a prison ministry for twenty years. I went into the prison, every month and shared prayers with them."

"Great!" says St. Peter. "Another 3 points for you!"

"Only three points!" says the man. "At the rate we are going, it will be only by the grace of God that I will ever get into this place."

"Bingo!" says St. Peter. "That's a hundred points! Come on in."

Baby ghost

When the Mother ghost had to take the Baby ghost out for a walk in the garden, she said : Put your boos and shocks on!

Teaching a teacher a lesson

Two female teachers at a high school had a routine of sharing their coffee and snacks together during their morning break in the teacher's room. Each would bring a favorite snack and it would be shared between them.

The problem was a male teacher who would pass by while the ladies were taking their morning break. He would see the spread on the table and utter something like, "Wow, cookies!".

Then he would help himself without an invitation and would keep taking one snack after the other. This habit of his really irritated the two lady teachers as the male teacher never had the decency to offer anything nor had he ever asked if he could help himself.

Finally the lady teachers decided enough was enough, and they came up with a plan. One of them bought a doughnut, took out the custard and substituted it with mustard. When the male teacher came in the teacher's room that day, he helped himself to the only doughnut left on the plate as was his habit and left. He never said anything about the mustard, but never went to the teacher's room again when the female teachers were taking their snack break.

Funny jokes-The mop threat

Jerry got into a brawl with the class bully. The big bully, in a threatening tone, growled, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

Jerry, mustering enough courage, replied back, "You will regret it."

The bully said, "Really? And do you mind explaining why?"

Jerry replied, "I don't think you will be able to get into the corners very well."

Chemistry puns

Q: Do you want to hear a joke about sodium?

A: Na

~~~~~~~

That was a bad chemistry joke because all the good ones Argon.

Really funny jokes-Counting trick

Dean was sitting in his drawing room having a cup of coffee, quite at ease with himself. In comes his son with a plate in his hands containing two pastries. He sits opposite Dean and says: “Dad, tell me, how many pastries are there in my plate?”

Dean: “I can see two.”

Son: “No, there are three, I can prove it.”

Dean: “How?”

Son: “This one is one.” He then proceeded to point to the other and said: “This is two, right? And one plus two is three, isn’t it?”

Dean: “How clever of you, son? I am impressed. Now let’s see.”

He picked up one from the plate and said: “This one is for me,” picked up the second one and said: “This for your sister. You can have the third one for yourself.”

Little Johnny jokes-Maths problem

Little Johnny was in Maths class when the teacher asked the class to solve a problem. The problem was like this:

A rich man worth twenty million dollars dies. One fourth of his wealth goes to his wife, one third to his daughter, and one fifth to his nephew, and the rest is donated to old people's home. Now, what does each party get?"

Little Johnny, sitting on the last bench replied, "A lawyer!"

No chances with Mother-in-law

Martin took his wife and mother-in-law on a pilgrimage to a holy land. The mother-in-law suddenly had a heart attack and died there. The undertaker told Martin that they can ship the body to their home for five thousand dollars. Alternatively, they could bury her there itself for five hundred. What would it be?

Martin said without any hesitation to ship the dead body home. The undertaker was mighty impressed: “Well now, what can I say? You must love your ma-in-law dearly. You are prepared to throw five thousand to take her back home where as you could have done it much cheaper and that too, at a holy place like this. I am really moved.”

Martin: “It’s not that. Ages ago a man died and was buried here. I heard that three days later he rose from the dead because of some miracle in this holy place. I certainly don’t want to take that chance in this case.”