Really funny jokes-Twitter addict

Twitter addict receives phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says:
“I have some good news and some bad news.”
Twitter addict:
“OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says:
“The good news is, you’ve got only 24 more hours to live.”
Twitter addict:
“Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says:
“The bad news is, Twitter is down.”

Hilarious jokes-Scottish husband

Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

"Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?"

The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

Really funny jokes-Hit with a maple leaf

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case: ‘And then she hit me with a maple leaf.’

‘A maple leaf? Surely that couldn’t have caused you any serious injury,’ said the lawyer.

‘Are you kidding?’ exclaimed the old man. ‘It was the leaf from the centre of our dining room table.’

One line jokes-Dumber

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.

Short funny jokes-Hippie

How do you get a hippie out of the bath?

Turn on the water.

Hilarious jokes-Scarecrow

A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.

‘Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,’ says the wife.

‘What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?’ asks the husband.

‘Nothing, replies the wife. ‘But Mother’s arms are getting tired.’

Funny jokes-Angry Indian

A man traveling through Arizona stops at a small town and goes into a bar. He stands at the end of the bar and lights up a cigar. As he sips his drink, he stands there quietly blowing smoke rings.

After he’s blown nine or ten smoke rings, an angry Indian comes up to him and says, ‘Listen, buddy, if you don’t stop calling me names, I’ll smash your face in!’

Really funny jokes-Transformation

An old lady is polishing a lamp when a genie suddenly appears and offers her three wishes.

‘I’d like to be young and beautiful again,’ says the old lady. ‘I’d like this cottage to be a fine mansion, and I’d like my cat, Whiskers, to be a handsome prince.’ The genie grants these wishes and the old lady, the cottage and Whiskers are all transformed. The beautiful young woman swoons into the handsome prince’s arms and he gently whispers in her ear, ‘Now I bet you wish you hadn’t taken me to the vet for that little operation.’

Clean jokes-Betting on Horses

‘Betting on horses is a funny old game,’ says a man to his friend. ‘You win one day and lose the next.’

The friend replies, ‘So why not bet every other day?’

Good jokes-Crystal ball

A woman comes home from psychic fair with a crystal ball she’s just bought.

‘How much was that?’ asks her husband.

‘Thirty pounds,’ answers the woman.

‘Thirty!’ says the husband. ‘They must have seen you coming.’

Hilarious jokes-Achievement

Judge to the accused: “You have been accused of imprisoning, threatening, intimidating and treating your wife as your slave. Is it true?”

Accused: “Your honor......I,..I......”

Judge: “I don’t want any explanations. Just tell me how you achieved this feat.”

Short funny jokes-Batman under roller

Tommy: “What happens if Batman is rolled under a steam roller?”

Sunny: “You get a Flat man.”

Really good stuff-Make Life simpler

Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler

* Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

* Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

* Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

*Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

*No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

* Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Funny jokes-What's in a name

James was walking down the street when he met a small boy. James asked his name.

The lad replied, "Six and seven-eighths."

James looked puzzled and asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and the youngster replied, "Oh, they just picked it out of a hat."

Clean jokes-Healthy breakfast

Our young son made up his mind one day that he needed to eat healthier breakfasts, so he chose oatmeal as his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told his mother, "I hope I develop a taste for this stuff. It goes down real rough."

"Well," his mother asked, "Just how long did you cook it?"

"Are you supposed to cook it?" he asked.

Funny jokes-Airlines humor

From an Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this aircraft..."

From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Economy jokes-Pessimistic women

Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy than Men?

A: Because men are in charge of the economy!

Hilarious jokes-Jammed window

George rushed to the hotel manager’s cabin and shouted, “Help me, my wife is trying to jump from the fifth floor.”

The Manager replies: “It is your personal problem, sir. What can I do in this matter?”

George bursts out, “Right, but the window is jammed!"

Good jokes-Apt reply

Serena and her friend Tina got on the bus. Both around seventeen, Tina was a little too plump for her age. Their journey was long and tedious. They saw a young, fat and dumb looking man sitting awkwardly a few seats ahead and decided to make fun of him. They went near his seat and stood there holding the bar for support. The man, out of sheer courtesy, tried to get up to offer his seat to Tina.

Tina says,“No, no sir, please be seated. Does not look nice when an old man stands up for a young girl to sit.”

The young man retorts, “True and well said, my child. But you see it is not proper for an old man to sit when a pregnant woman stands beside him.”

Funny jokes-Does love happen?

Q: Does love just happen or you have to make it happen?

A: If a girl is good looking and going on a bicycle, it just happens. If, on the other hand, she is not beautiful but is driving an expensive luxury car, you have to make it happen.

Clean jokes-Father's relief

While leaving her father’s house immediately after marriage, Tina was crying herself hoarse. Her father too could not control himself and was weeping loudly. Finally somebody separated them and led Tina to the groom’s car.

On an impulse Tina turned around, ran to her father and gave him something from her purse.

Immediately her father’s face brightened and there was a smile on his face.

Later Tina’s mother asked him: “What did she give you to make you so happy?”

Father: “My ATM card.”

Kids jokes-Nobody else

Jack:"There is something I can do that nobody else in my school can do. Not even teachers!"

Rob: "What's that?"

Jack: "Read my handwriting"

Really funny jokes-Lost in the Sahara

Niall and Ethan are two young lads from Shannon and they are lost in the Sahara desert. They're only desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die, they chance upon an oasis where market day appears to be in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see, and Niall asks if they can buy some water.

"No," replies the Bedouin stall owner, "I only sell fruit. Try the next stall."

So off they stagger to the next stall and this time Ethan asks for some water.

"Sorry," says the merchant, "But I only sell custard."

"Custard! Custard?" splutter the two.

Niall turns to Ethan and shouts angrily, "What kind of flippin' place is this?"

By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, "Sorry, but I only sell jelly."

Hearing this, Ethan says to Niall and speaks through clenched teeth, "Bejabbers, Niall - this is a trifle bazaar."

Animal jokes-Small mouse

A young elephant and young mouse came across each other for the first time:

Mouse: "What are you?"
Elephant: " I'm an elephant"

Mouse: "Aren't you big"
Elephant: " Yes. What are you?

Mouse: " I'm a mouse"
Elephant: " Aren't you small?"

Mouse: " I, I, I've not been well"

Really funny jokes-Book a judge

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, John, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," John replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded John.

"Well," mused Pat, "In this life there's always a lesson somewhere."

"That there is," replied John.

"It is wise never to book a judge by his cover."

Clean jokes-Potatoes

1) How do you describe an angry potato?
Boiling Mad.

2) Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?
Because he was a commontater.

3) Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?
He desperately wanted a scoop.

4) What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?
Anything, just butter him up.

5) What does an American potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?
It's mashing!

Short funny jokes-First people in North America

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?

They had reservations.

Really funny jokes-Savings

Mr. and Mrs. Val were visited by a door to door salesman. He tried hard to sell a deep freezer to them and they were reluctant and unconvinced. Finally the salesman said: “If you buy this freezer you will save on food bills enough to pay for the freezer.”

Exasperated, Mrs. Val replied: “It is like this. We are paying for the house on what we are saving on the rent. We are paying for cable TV on what we are saving on movie tickets. Not to mention the damn car for which we are paying on what we save on taxi fares. We cannot afford to save anymore now.”

Animal jokes-Elephant and parrot

What would you get if you crossed an elephant with a parrot?

Something that tells you everything it remembers.

Good jokes-Red and Blue cab

Two cabbies, Harry and Dave met after a long time.

"Hey," pointed out Harry, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," answered Dave, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

Funny picture - Watching TV

Clean jokes-White hair

Little Sonia was looking intently at her mother.

Mother: “What’s the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sonia: “Some of your hair are white mom.”

Mother: “That’s right. Whenever you make a mischief, one of my hairs turns white. That’s how some have become white.”

Sonia was thoughtful: “Are all of grandma’s hair white due to the same reason?”

Uncommon noun

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Animal jokes-Bunny

What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!

How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail.

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A hare-net.

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits' feet.

Really funny jokes-Grades

The methods to Grade Final Exams:

1. Dept. of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

2. Dept. of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

3. Dept. of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

4. Dept. of Religion: Grade is determined by God.

5. Dept. of Philosophy: What is a grade?

6. Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

7. Dept. of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

8. Dept. of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

9. Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

10. Dept. of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A.

Really good stuff - 7 facts in this world

Finance jokes-Penny stock

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock?

In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.

One line jokes-Supermarkets

A question I want to asked based on my observation at the supermarket - Why do they make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Really funny jokes-American job

John Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6 am ..

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,
he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and
tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio (MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY )
filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer (made in MALAYSIA ), John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL), poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE )
and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in AMERICA

And now he is hoping he can get help from a President MADE IN KENYA

Finance jokes-Secret algorithm

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10,000 on a horse. The analyst was skeptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It is rather easy. I have two kids, four and six year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number eleven."

"But, four and six is ten," the analyst protested.

"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

Kids jokes-Curtains

"Close the curtains," came the order from my two year old son who was sitting in a pool of bright light.  "The sun's looking at me too hard."

Clean jokes-Actual answers given on Family Feud

Actual answers given on Family Feud

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue Suede Moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

A kind of ache - Fillet 'O' Fish

Something you open other than a door - Your bowels

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A non living object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does - Goes to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A conman

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal - Mail

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed