Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Good jokes-Keep on fighting!

The following conversation took place in the morning drill of the US Army:

Sergeant Thomas: When you are frightened, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: You better. And if the enemy shoots off your right ear, what do you do?

Private Joe: Keep on fighting!

Sergeant Thomas: Good. But if the enemy also shoots off your left ear, what then?

Private Joe: Then I can't see.

Sergeant Thomas: Can't see? Where did you get your education, private?

Private Joe: Well sergeant, if both my ears are gone my helmet falls down...over my eyes.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Really funny jokes-Loan to hog

An ambitious hog goes to a bank to ask for a loan. He steps up to the counter and asks for an application from the clerk, Patrice Vack.

"Hi, I would like to apply for a loan", said the hog.

Patrice Vack replied, "Do you have any collateral for this loan; something that can stand against your loan?"

The hog replied, "All I have is this statue of a unicorn."

"I am not sure," said Patrice Vack, "I'll need to check with the manager about this."

Patrice Vack goes to see the bank manager.

The bank manager, who addresses Patrice by her nickname Patty, says: "Knick Knack, Patty Vack. Give the hog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone" (Pun from the lyrics of THE OLD MAN song)

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Lawyer jokes-Money minded

Lance was talking to his friend Sheldon about his legal problems. Lance says, "I have a feeling that my lawyer is too concerned about making money."

Sheldon asks, "What makes you say that?"

Lance replies, "One of the items in his bill says: 'For waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about your case: $50'."

Short funny jokes-Hippo in bed

Q. What should you do if you find a hippopotamus in your bed?

A. Guess you'll have to sleep somewhere else.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Really funny jokes-Cowboy in Theatre

A lazy cowboy went to the movies. As the usher guided him to his seat, he noticed that the cowboy sprawled across three entire seats in the theater.

He whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy moaned but didn't move. The usher warned again. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'll have no choice but to call the manager."

The cowboy just moaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the security. The security guy surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right fella, what's you're name?"

"Tex," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Tex?"

With pain in his voice Tex replied.... "The balcony."

Friday, July 27, 2012

Funny Aviation joke-Three best things

Ask any pilot and he will agree that the three best things in life are a fine landing, a fine orgasm, and a fine bowel movement.

A night aircraft landing is a chance to experience all three together.

Teacher jokes-Cross eyed

I took my brother, Nikhil to college. He was curious to meet our cross-eyed professor who could not control his pupils.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Clean jokes-Stagecoach

Kirk was telling his colleagues about a strange dream he had the previous night. He dreamt he was in the middle of action in the old west riding a stagecoach. All of a sudden, a cowboy riding a horse appears on the right side of the stagecoach and a horse without a rider pulls up on the left.

In a swift move, the cowboy bends down, pulls open the door of the stagecoach and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse. Kirk, confused by the events that were happening so swiftly, yelled out to the cowboy, "What do you think you are doing?"

The cowboy replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Funny jokes-Shooting some cans

Teddy, the gun shop owner called the police as he felt there was something wrong with one of his customers.

When the Police arrived, Teddy told them about a tall guy who walked in a couple of weeks back to buy a box of high velocity 12 gauge shells. The next week, the tall guy came back to buy another box of ammo. This went on for 4 weeks. When he visited Teddy's store one more time, Teddy asked him, "What are you shooting buddy? There's hardly anything in season right now."

The tall guy replied, "I am shooting some cans."

Teddy asked him, "Beer cans?"

The tall guy replied, "Nope. Me shooting some Mexicans, some Puerto Ricans, some Africans, don't matter me none."

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Funny jokes-Flying kitten

Father Moore had a naughty little kitten named Batty who was always up to some mischief. Once, Batty climbed up a small tree in Father Moore's backyard and then refused to come down.

Father Moore tried hard to get the kitten down by calling out its name, also tried offering milk, sweets, but Batty would just not come down. As the tree was not strong enough to climb, Father Moore thought that if tied one end of a rope to the tree and the other to his car and drove ahead to bend the tree, he could perhaps reach up and get Batty. He did it and felt that he should go a little bit further so that the tree is adequately bent for him to reach Batty. But as he moved a little further ahead, the rope snapped.

The tree went "boing!" and Batty sailed through the air and out of sight. Father Moore felt terrible. He went searching for Batty in the entire neighborhood and its vicinity, asked people if they had seen Batty but his attempts in locating the little kitten failed.

Father Moore committed Batty to the Lord's keeping and went back to normal life.

A few days later, he met a lady at the local store buying food and he noticed she was carrying a tin of cat food. He distinctly remembered that this lady hated cats so he questioned her about the cat food.

She replied, "You will find it hard to believe but my little boy Tommy had been pestering me for a cat, and I kept declining his request. Then one day, he begged again and I told him if God gave him a cat, I would allow him to keep it. I saw Tommy go out in the yard, get on his knees, and pray to God for a cat. And then, something unbelievable happened!! A kitten came flying out of the sky, and landed right in his lap!!!"

Monday, July 23, 2012

Really funny jokes-Cowboy bragging

Three cowboys - Billy, Rex and Chuck - were drinking at the local bar. Billy said, "Did you hear that bugger Roy bought a new car. I bet he's going to start bragging about it the moment he enters this bar."

Rex said, "You should not be judgmental about him. Roy's a good lad. I am sure he's just gonna say a 'hi' when he walks in."

"I know Roy better than either of you," said Chuck. "He's a smart guy, he'll find a way to do both. Here he comes now."

Roy swung open the bar door and yelled, "Audi, fellas!"

Hilarious jokes-String quartet

I asked my friend, Jose, who was learning to play the violin : "How do you define a string quartet?

This was the reply from Jose, "It comprises of a a fine violinist, a bad violinist, one terribly bad violinist who became a violist, and one cellist who doesn't like violinists, all getting together to criticize the composers."

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Good jokes-Late Patrick

My colleague Patrick is not a morning person. His habit of getting up late in the mornings and arriving late at work would always land him in trouble at the office.

Our boss, Mr. Jenkins was getting increasingly mad at him and after reprimanding him, threatened to demote him if he didn't do something about it.

So Patrick visited his doctor for advice. The doc gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Patrick slept well, and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss", he said, "I went to the doctor and he gave me a medicine that actually worked!"

"That's all right" said Mr. Jenkins, "But where the hell were you yesterday?"

Saturday, July 21, 2012

Clean jokes-Skin cream

Mike Sweeney goes to the pharmacy to buy an anti-infective skin cream. When the pharmacist gives him one, Mike reads the directions to use. It says : apply locally twice a day.

Mike says to the pharmacist: "But I can't apply locally, I'm going out of town."

Short funny jokes-Horse in bar

Harry, the horse trots into a pub.

The bartender asks, "So, why the long face?"

Friday, July 20, 2012

Really funny jokes-Principles of Household Physics

10 Principles of Household Physics

You will observe that the principles of household physics are as true as every other principle in the universe. See the below examples:

1. A kid's enthusiasm to help in any project varies in inverse proportion to the capability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always inflate to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly cleaned window gathers dust and dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is required.

5. The same mess that will fill a one-car garage will also fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a war.

7. The possibility of impending doom is in direct proportion to the number of remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors not closed varies inversely with the weather and outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any water heater equals one and one-half kids showers.

10. If two kids are put in a room full of toys, they will both want to play with the same toy.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Animal jokes-Karate pig

Bitzer: What is the term for a pig that practices karate?

Shaun: A pork chop.

Aviation jokes-Aircraft Identification

Aviation funnies

Tom teaching his friend Bob how to identify aircrafts:

If you find it ugly, it's British.
If you find it, it's French.
If you find it ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Really funny jokes-Oroville

Father Richard was playing golf with a clergyman. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. The cleryman heard him mutter, "Oroville!" under his breath.

On the second hole, the ball went straight into a lateral hazard. "Oroville!" exclaimed Father Richard again, a little louder this time.

On the third hole, Father Richard got lucky and his drive landed on the green only five inches from the hole! He said, "Praise be to God!"

He was careful with his shot, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in.
His reaction was "Oroville!"

By this time, the clergyman was too curious not to ask, so he questioned the priest why he kept saying the word "Oroville".

"It's the largest dam I know." Father Richard replied.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Mrs. Cooper's 101st Birthday

Mary called her old friend, Mrs. Cooper on her 101st birthday to ask how she planned to celebrate her big day.

Mrs. Cooper replied cheerfully, "My children will be coming to stay with me for the weekend."

Mary said, "I am sure you are looking forward to that."

“Of course,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "but it's a lot of work, cleaning and dusting, making up their beds.”

Mary said, “Why don't you let the children do it when they are arrive?"

"Oh no, I couldn't do that,” Mrs. Cooper replied, "they're all in their in their 80s!”

Short funny jokes-Judge to dentist

What did the judge say to the dentist?

"Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."

Monday, July 16, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Burger King's left handed whopper

Burger King played a gimmick in the late 90s when it advertized in the leading dailies about a new item on their menu - it was a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 10% of the American population that is left-handed. According to the ad, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper - like mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, pickles, patty, etc. - but all the seasoning were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The next day Burger King issued a follow-up release disclosing that the Left-Handed Whopper was actually a hoax, but thousands of customers had turned up at the Burger King joints to request the new junk food. Not just that, there were many others who requested their own 'right handed' version.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Really funny jokes-Alligator's Teeth

Sandra was holidaying in Thailand when she saw a native wearing a beautiful white necklace.

Admiring it, she asked the Thai, "What is it made of?"

"Crocodile's teeth," the Thai replied.

Sandra said with an air of superiority, "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," the native objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Funny jokes-Who needs Nursing home care

We, the elderly do not want nursing homes anymore. We prefer to check into a Holiday Inn!

What with the average cost for a nursing home care touching $200 per day, we have found a better option when we are old and need to be taken care of.

We've checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, they are offering $73.56 per night. Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.

That leaves us with a host of benefits:

# $126.44 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we like, room service, laundry, TV movies or any other expenses.

# Not just that, they provide a spa, swimming pool, gym, washer-dryer, and other facilities.

# Other than that, we get free toothpaste, shampoo, soap and razors.

# If we give even $5 worth of tips a day, we'll have the entire staff scrambling to help us.

# Best part - they treat us like a customer - not a patient.

# We get a city bus from the bus stop across the street and we seniors ride free.

# If we can fake a limp, that's even better - the handicap bus will pick us up .

# We have a church bus service on Sundays to meet other nice people.

# For a change of scenery, we take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While we're at the airport, we have the option to fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps piling up.

# It would have taken us months to get into a decent nursing home. Holiday Inn will take care of our reservation today.

# Another advantage - we are not stuck at one place forever - we can move from Inn to Inn, or from city to city.

# Want to see exotic places? Holiday Inn is everywhere. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Shower needs fixing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

# They even have night security and daily room service. The room service checks to see if we are all right. If not, they'll call an ambulance, or the undertaker, as the case may be. If we fall and break a bone, Medicare will pay for the treatment, and Holiday Inn will upgrade us to a suite for the rest of our lives.

# Nothing to worry about visits from family. They will always be glad to find us, and probably check in for a few days of vacationing.

# The grandchildren will be happy to use the pool.

What more could we old folk ask for?

Friday, July 13, 2012

Office jokes-Always bad news

Jenine, a curvy blonde enters into John's cabin and says to her boss, "John, I'm afraid I've bad news for you."

John staring at his secretary's curves, replies, "Sweetheart, why do you always have to give me bad news? Give me some good news for a change."

Jenine replies, "Well, if you insist, the good news is that you are not sterile....."

Short funny jokes-Cement mixer

Little Tommy and Little Johnny are watching constructions workers busy at a construction site close to their house.

Little Tommy says to Little Johnny, "What will you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?"

Little Johnny replies, "A brick-layer!"

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Bigger cycle

When I bought my daughter a bigger bicycle, she insisted on parking it next to her small old cycle.
She said, "The big one is the daddy of the small cycle - wait, I have a name for it - Popcycle."

Really funny jokes-Blonde with new boat

Betty, a 28-year-old blonde, fulfilled her dream of owning a boat when she purchased one in the summer. So, one afternoon, she was all set to try out her brand new motorboat. But there was a problem - the motorboat would barely perform. She tried everything, checked the mechanisms again, but the boat failed to function properly.

She tried again the next day and the day after that, but the motorboat would only splutter and strain but not pick up speed. She saw some fishermen and thought of asking them for help. She hoped that they would help identify the problem.

A fisherman called Ted inspected the boat and confirmed that the engine and out drive seemed to be in order. Ted then jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for any problems. What he saw made him laugh so hard, he came up choking and gasping for air. When the other fishermen asked him what was so funny, he replied, "The trailer is still attached to the boat!"

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

One line jokes-Miracle drug

Liza: Do you believe in a miracle drug?

Donna : Sure I do. If it is now available at the same price as last year.

Hilarious jokes-Ten funny Burglar Stories

1. Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'

2. In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

3. In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran......but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him and called the police.

4. In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

5. Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

6. In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

7. In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a "Seven-Eleven" robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

8. Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

9. A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants. You couldn't invent these funny occurrences.

10.A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

One line jokes-Fungus

My Grandpa says ex's are like fungus, they keep coming back.

Really funny jokes-Health problems

Suzie, a hooker, goes to her doctor for her quarterly checkup.

The doctor asked, "Is there any particular problem that you want to talk about?"

"Yes, I have noticed lately that even if I get a small cut, it seems to bleed for a very long time and the clotting is delayed," she replied. "Is there any chance that I have hemophilia?"

"Hmm," the doctor said, "Hemophilia is an inheritable disease, normally affecting only males but it is possible for women to transmit it to their male children. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"

Suzie started making some mental calculations and replied, "About $1000 on an average."

Monday, July 9, 2012

Lawyer jokes-Location of right foot

Absolutely hilarious exchange of words in court

Lawyer: Please tell the court the location of your left foot immediately before the impact.

Defendant : Immediately before the impact, my left foot was located at the immediate end of my left leg.

Hilarious jokes-World famous painter

Remo, who was a painter of international repute, started losing his eyesight in the prime of his career. Naturally, he was very worried about the problem which would ultimately destroy his career, so he went to see Dr. Mehta, who was considered one of the best eye surgeons in the world.

Dr. Mehta put in his best efforts and after several days of delicate surgery and therapy, Remo's eyesight was restored. Remo was so overwhelmed and thankful, that he decided to show his appreciation by repainting the doctor's entire office.

Remo painted a massive eye on one of the walls of Dr. Mehta's office. After completing his work, the painter held a press conference to disclose his latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, a reporter asked Dr. Mehta, "What were your first thoughts when you saw your newly painted office, particularly that large eye on the wall?"

The doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank Heavens I'm not a proctologist.'"

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Funny jokes-LA Police woman

Reggie : Do you know about this LA police woman who works part-time as a stripper?

Archie: Well, I do hear about some people having double identities.

Reggie: You know this LA policewoman's t-shirt says,
"LAPD" on the front
and
"ANCE" on the back.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Equal partners

Overheard at the Maonyesho Saba Saba Fair in Tanzania, "If a husband claims that he and his wife are equal partners, then he is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge."

Really funny jokes-Pillsbury Doughboy's Obituary

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 75. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at his funeral, including Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The grave-site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy in the graveyard and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 2:50 for about 20 minutes.

Obituary kindly sent in by Johnny.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Funny jokes-Biblical epic star

When he was denied membership in an exclusive country club on account of being an actor, biblical epic star Victor John Mature retorted,

"Hell, I'm no actor, and I've got thirty movies to prove it!"

Animal jokes-Dog's favourite song

Q: What is a dog's loved song?

A: Ain't nuttin but a hound dog!!

(Pun for Elvis Presley's 1956 hit song)

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Short funny jokes-Rough up

Bubba was arrested for killing a man with sandpaper.

In court, Bubba said in his defense : I never wanted to kill him, all I did was rough him up a bit.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Independence Day joke

Sunny : Do they have a 4th of July in England?

Tommy: Of course. How else do they get from the 3rd to the 5th?

Fourth of July joke

When Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

"Not here!" they said. A confused Marco Polo came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marco was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, we always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai"

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Funny jokes-Weight issues

Serena was talking to her friend Dorothy about her weight issues.
"I make it a point to keep away from anything that makes me fat," she said "Weighing scales and mirrors, are some examples."

Really funny jokes-Decompose

If lawyers can be debarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, software engineers will be detested, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Funny conversation in court

Hilarious exchange in court

Lawyer: Tell us your brother-in-law's name?

Witness: Walker

Lawyer: What is his first name?

Witness: I am sorry I can't remember.

Lawyer: He's been your brother-in-law for so many years, how is it possible that you can't remember his first name?

Witness: It's just that I am very nervous. (Getting up from the witness chair and pointing to Walker) Toby, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name.

Aviation jokes-Three most dangerous things

Do you know what are the three most dangerous things in aviation (in that order):

1. A doctor in a Cessna.

2. Two captains in a 737 or DC-9.


3. On-board fire

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Really funny jokes-Police Story

Bret, who committed a bank robber in Canberra, Australia, stuffed the loot down the front of his slacks and made a dash for the door. He got a nasty shock soon when a dye pack intended to mark stolen money exploded in his slacks.

A police spokesperson shared the following information:
"Witnesses saw him hopping, skipping and jumping around with a blast taking place inside his pants."

Bret was arrested soon after, and Police have kept his charred slacks securely in custody.