"My point is," answered Fred, "have you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and scream hysterically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "
Really Funny Jokes
Saturday, June 30, 2012
"My point is," answered Fred, "have you ever hear anybody get up in a crowd and scream hysterically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "
Q: How do you know when stocks are getting really cheap?
A: When Wall Street is called Wal-Mart Street.
Friday, June 29, 2012
So he took thermometer and a lit candle to the 7rd floor of a building, dropped them and observed that they both touched the ground at the same time. The famous Pakistani scientist concluded in his book: "A thermometer falls with the speed of light."
The ways to grade the final exams
Dept of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Laurel : What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
Hardy: A battery hen!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Jeremy bought a p*nis enhancer for $ 100. He received a handheld magnifier with the instruction, "Not to be used in sunlight."
His funeral procession was going up a steep hill on main street when the door of the hearse flies open accidentally and the coffin falls out then speeds down the busy street and crashes into a pharmacy.
The lids pops open and Joe, the deceased says to the dazed pharmacist, "You got anything to stop this coffin'?"
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change it, and nine to reassure him about how good it looks.
Monday, June 25, 2012
How the law works in different countries
In you are in the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In you are in Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In you are in Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In you are in France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In you are in Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
The Surgeon replied: "I'm absolutely positive that you will survive the operation."
Fred, a little relieved, but still in doubt, asked, "How can you be so sure?"
The Surgeon said, "Four out of five patients die in this operation, and last week, my fourth patient died."
Saturday, June 23, 2012
On his birthday, he helps himself to a large piece of chocolate cake, and his wife reprimands him for asking for me.
Ron protests, "Don't you see, I can resist everything except temptation."
Logan, who was resting against a palm tree, seemed to be calm and composed. Seeing Logan so relaxed, Sunny yelled at him. "Don't you understand? We are going to die!!"
Logan replied, "You don't understand, I make $250,000 a week."
Sunny stared at him in disbelief and asked, "How does it matter?? We're on this god-forsaken island with no food and no water! We're so going to die!!!"
Logan said, "You're not getting it. I earn $250,000 a week and I give 20% to charity. My pastor will find me!"
Friday, June 22, 2012
Laurel: How do I fit more pigs in my farm?
Hardy: Build a sty-scraper!
Hilarious courtroom exchange
Lawyer: Did he pick the pug up by the ears?
Lawyer: What was he doing with the pug's ears?
Witness: Lifting them up in the air.
Lawyer: Where was the dog at this time?
Witness: Connected to the ears.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
# All 12 violins played the same notes. This is unnecessary duplication. Their number should be reduced.
# For a considerable period of time, above players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced and their work spread evenly among other staff.
# No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that was already handled by the strings. If such redundancies were eliminated, the concert could be cut 20 minutes.
# The symphony has two movements. Mr. Schubert should have been able to achieve his musical goals in one.
Conclusion: If Mr. Schubert had paid attention to these matters, he would have had time to finish the symphony.
Three. One to change the bulb and two more to complain that an MD makes ten times as much for the same procedure!!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Once settled in the new environment, she asked her son-in-law, Dev where she could get her dentures mended.
Dev offered, "Give them to me and I'll take them to a dentist."
Reena gave her little box containing the teeth to Dev who took them to a dental lab.
He asked the technician how long it would take to mend the dentures, to which the technician replied, "About an hour."
Dev tells him, "I'll do some shopping and collect the dentures on my way back."
When Dev returns to the lab, the technician hands him a plastic bag and his mother-in-law's little box. He says, "I'm sorry I could only fit five of the teeth to the denture."
"Oh!" exclaims Dev,"and what happened to the sixth one?"
"It's here in the box," answers the technician, showing it to Dev. "Fitting the teeth is easy but it's impossible to fit this peanut."
# your immune system attacks a dog crossing your front garden.
# you have delusions of being an emergency doctor.
# the EMS guys think your name is the Coffee Mate.
# you tell the doctors and nurses that you don't get paid anything to do this and they look at you like you're some kind of a freak.
# your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
# the EMS guys refer to you as "the pain in the a*s that got in my way when I was bringing in a code!"
# your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat.
# your favorite colors are green, white and red, even though you are not Italian.
# your favorite thing is to take orders from medical students.
# you have recurring nightmares about being knocked to the floor and run over by a portable X-ray machine.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Teacher: What is the chemical formula for Water?
Little Johnny: It's H2O
Teacher: Good! Can you tell me the chemical formula for ice?
Little Johnny: It's H2O cubed.
* If the students say good morning back, they are Freshmen.
* If the students put their newspapers down and open their books, they are Sophomores.
* If they look up so they can see the professor over the tops of the newspapers, they are Juniors.
* If they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they are Seniors.
* If they write it down, they are Graduate students.
Monday, June 18, 2012
A Lawyer was addressing a doctor in court.
Lawyer: Dr. Kirby, did you say the victim was stabbed in the jungle?
Doctor Kirby: No, I said he was stabbed in the lumbar region.
He told the American, "You'll be a Hero if you jump into the sea."
He told the English, "a gentleman would certainly jump into the sea."
He told the German, "It's a rule to jump into the sea in such conditions."
He told the Italian, "Women will admire you if you jump into the sea."
He told the French, "Do not jump into the sea."
He told the Japanese, "Look, every passenger is jumping into the sea."
Sunday, June 17, 2012
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait, someone else is using it."
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Laurel: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire?
Hardy: To take a nap?
Laurel: No, to make a long-distance caw.
The witness stared out the window as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted ten thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Friday, June 15, 2012
The Pharmacist replies: "well, that's all we've documented so far."
The vendor gives him one and says, "Four bucks."
The Dalai Lama hands him a $5 bill, and waits for the vendor to give him the change but the vendor seems to be ignoring him.
The Dalai Lama finally asks, "Where's my change?"
The burger vendor replies, "Change only comes from within."
Thursday, June 14, 2012
The judge said, "In that case, you are sentenced to 45 days."
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
The doctor who was standing behind the girl, leaned over her shoulder with a stethoscope to his ears and said, "Big breaths".
The young girl, hesitated for a moment, and then replied, "I know, and to think I'm only 13!"
If you spend the stimulus money at Coles, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea ..
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan ..
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Australia by:
1) Spending it at garage sales.
3) Spending it on pr*stitutes or
4) Beer or
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
At noon, the lunch bell rang, and eight hundred workers immediately stopped work and left the building.
"Your workers are escaping!" cried the Albanian visitor. "You must stop them."
"They will come back, nothing to worry," said Joe. And indeed, after an hour, the bell rang again, and all the workers returned from their break.
After the orientation, Joe turns to his guest and says, "Would you like to place an order for any of these machines?"
"Forget the machines," says the guest. "How much do you want for that bell?"
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a drop of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Tom : What do drunk chicken give?
Jerry: Scotch eggs!
"Yep," the husband replied, "and there would still be enough room to toss them in the back!"
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Lawyer: What is your name?
Witness: James Brien
Lawyer: And what is your marital status?
Lawyer: Are you married?
Witness:: Nope, I'm divorced.
Lawyer: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
Witness: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
The guide replies, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Then, after a few hours, the drums suddenly stop! James is nervous as hell and he shouts at the guide: "Those Drums have stopped, what now?"
The guide bends down, covers his head with his hands and says, "Bass Solo".
Friday, June 8, 2012
- a pair of undergarments that once belonged to Queen Elizabeth.
- a little above a hundred thousand dollars.
The winning bidder could not be identified but his user name was "one sick b*stard."
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Bill replies, "Just love you? I shall admire you. I shall worship the very ground that you walk on. I shall...", then asks hesitantly, "you're not going to look like your mother, are you?"
* your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
* discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
* you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
* you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants.
* you believe the waiting room should be equipped with a Valium fountain.
* you say to yourself "great veins" when looking at complete strangers.
* you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy it is quiet around here."
* you have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
* you have ever had a patient say, "But I'm not pregnant, I can't be pregnant. How can I be having a baby?"
* you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say "I have no idea how that got stuck in there".
* your most common assessment question is "what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 (hours, days, weeks, months, years)?"
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
A: They need organs to play !
# None. It doesn't need changing - if it did, market forces would have made it happen.
# None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
# None. The invisible hand does it.
# Two. One to assume the existence of ladder and one to change the bulb.
# Eight. One to change it and seven to hold everything else constant.
# One to prepare the proposal, an econometrician to run the model, one each MS and PhD students to write the theses and dissertations, two more to prepare the journal article (senior authorship not assigned), four to review it, and at least as many to refine the model and replicate the results.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Q: Agent 007 has an Eskimo relative. Can you guess his name?
A: It's Polar Bond
The pharmacist is astonished and asks Brenda if she takes the pills every day.
Brenda replies, "My husband Joe takes them every day."
"Why???" the pharmacist looks questioningly at the blonde couple.
"Oh, after we read all those possible side-effects, Joe offered 'Listen honey... I don't want you taking that stuff.. it's too dangerous.....let ME take them.' "
Monday, June 4, 2012
God smiled and said, "All right, let me see you do it."
Ronald bent down to the ground and scooped up a handful of mud .
God stopped him and said, "Wait a minute. Get your own dirt!"
Lance, the lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Vinnie, the witness: Not yet.
Lance, the lawyer: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
Vinnie, the witness: The victim lived.
Lance, the lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Vinnie, the witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Lance, the lawyer: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
Vinnie, the witness: He didn’t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Mark : What do you want this time, with coat or without coat?
Martha: Let it be with coating, because I don't want to release granules earlier.
Mark: So, Shall I begin molding?
Martha: No, first close the door and window and switch off, because this work is light sensitive.
Jack: How will you recognize a bald eagle?
Jill: All his feathers will be combed over to one side.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Santa : Do you know, Atheists do not solve exponential equations.
Banta: Really? Why is that?
Santa: That's because they don't have faith in higher powers.
A compilation of hilarious classified classics!!!
** A superb and economical restaurant. Fine food, expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
** No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
** Sale! Sale! An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
** We don't tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
** Great chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
** Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
** Dinner Special - Turkey $2.75; Chicken or Beef $2.50; Children $2.00.
** Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Friday, June 1, 2012
I liked the sound of the word "Amnesia", and then I could not remember it.
Agusto was handcuffed, and the sheriff, who didn't know Spanish, asked him where he had hidden the loot.
"No se nada," he replied.
The sheriff put a gun to Agusto's head, turned to his deputy who could speak Spanish as well as English, and said, "Tell him that if he doesn't disclose where the money is right now, I'll blow his head to smithereens."
On receiving the translation in Spanish, Agusto got excited and started talking. "Ya me acuerdo! Tienen que caminar tres cuadradas hasta ese gran arbol. Debajo del arbol, alli esta el dinero."
The sheriff asked the deputy, "What's he saying?"
The deputy replied, "He says he wants to die like a man."