Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Really funny jokes-Show business

A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shoveling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.

"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shoveling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."

His friends at work agree: "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."

He looks at them, stunned: "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"

Light bulb jokes-Evolutionists

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but it takes eight million years.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Funny jokes-Windsor castle

Windsor castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourist was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude making a tremendous amount of noise.

One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"

Teacher jokes-Earth is round

Teacher: Milton, how can you prove the earth is round?

Milton: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Really funny jokes-Manager in Farm

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the droppings of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions."

One line jokes-Old accountants

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Funny jokes-Crashed!

Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion he crashed it.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Poker

A world-renowned heart-surgeon and poker pro and a blonde cocktail waitress are sitting next to each other in a $1-2 NL cash game at the MGM in Las Vegas. The surgeon is upset as the blonde keeps winning big pots from him despite it being the first time she's ever played poker.

He suggests they play a prop bet where they ask each other questions; if they don't know the answer to the question; they have to pay the other person. She asks him how she's supposed to compete with a smart, world-renowned surgeon, as she's just a simple cocktail waitress. Eager to make her look stupid, he offers her odds, so that she has to pay him $5 for every time he stumps her, but he'll pay her $50 each time she stumps him. She agrees.

He asks her what the capital of Paraguay is and she shrugs and flips him a red $5 chip.

Her question for him is: "What rises in the evening, sleeps in the morning, and has twice as many brothers as sisters?"

He thinks and thinks and thinks, getting more frustrated, then whips out his iPhone, calls his friends, and finally checks the Internet for an answer. He finally gives up and shoves $50 in chips over to her.

"Well," he angrily demands, "what's the answer?"

She shrugs and flips him another $5 chip.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Really funny jokes-The voice

Joe's just gotten his morning coffee on the way to work when a booming voice tells him: "Take the freeway instead of your normal shortcut." He takes the freeway and when he gets to the office everyone is talking about a huge accident that occurred on his normal route to work.

Three days later he's grilling burgers in his backyard and the voice tells him: "Go inside and watch television." He does and through the window outside he watches a huge oak tree fall and crush the grill where he was just standing.

When the voice tells him to sell everything he owns and move to Vegas, he sells everything he owns and moves to Vegas. The voice tells him to pay $10,000 to enter the World Series of Poker Main Event, which he does.

He's dealt two red aces and the voice tells him to go all-in. He shoves all-in and five different players call. The flop is Jack of clubs, 10 of clubs, 9 of clubs...

"Oh crap..." the voice says.

Animal jokes-Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Insurance agents joke-Light bulb

How many insurance agents does it take to change a light bulb?
That depends on whether the light bulb burned alone or with the whole house.

Short funny jokes-Bagpipers

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

To get away from the noise.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Funny jokes-Union House

Attending a union convention in Las Vegas a union lighting man decides to visit a bordello. He goes into the first place, the ladies are lovely, and he asks the Madam, "Is this a union establishment?"

"Why, no, it isn't," the Madam replies.

"Well," the Union Man asks, "what percentage of the take goes to the girl?"

"We split the money, 20 percent to the girl and 80 percent to the house."

Feeling that wasn't a fair split the man left and went to another establishment. Again he asked the same questions and received a similar response. Although not a union house the split rate at this one was 30 percent to the girl and 70 percent to the house.

He continued his trek for some time until, finally, he came upon a Union House. "That's wonderful," he says to the Madam, "and what's the split?"

"We give 80 percent to the girl and keep just 20 percent for the house."

The Man is overjoyed. "Fantastic," he says, finally satisfied. Immediately he spots an attractive young blonde and indicates her to the Madam. "I'd like to have her please," he declares.

"Oh, I'm sure you would," the Madam replies, but she instead redirects him to an aging, overweight woman in the corner, "But I'm afraid Ethel here has seniority."

Celebrity jokes-Trampoline

Q: Why should you watch the morning show "View" with Barbara Walters and Elizabeth Hasselbeck?

A: Tom Cruise is going to be a guest. Instead of the couch, Tom is going to use her stomach as a trampoline!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Really funny jokes-Museum of Natural History

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,“Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are three million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!”

Clean joke-Lifting weights

Q. Why can’t a Skeleton Lift Weights?

A. He’s all bone & no muscle.

Funny jokes-Sports phenomenon

The new sports phenom, New York Knicks' player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors.

Where else but America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Japanese TV beat a team from Canada?


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Funny jokes-The Heart Attack Grill

In Las Vegas a diner suffered a heart attack while eating at a restaurant called The Heart Attack Grill. Even worse, it totally ruined the man's plans to take his date back to his room at the Chlamydia Hilton.

SMS jokes-Love story of a doctor

luv story of a doctor :D

i was in 12th

she was in 12th

i got into MBBS

she got B.COM

i was doing MBBS

she got M.COM

i was doing MBBS

she got an MBA

i completed MBBS

she got married

i was preparing for M.D entrance

she's the mother of two children

i am doing my MD

her daughter is in class 1

i completed MD n internship

her daughter passed 10th

i have joined a job

the gr8est irony- today is my engagement and her daughter is my wife!!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Really funny jokes-Dogs allowed!

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote:”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you re welcome to stay here, too.”

Funny jokes-Bad at telling lies

Q: Why are ghosts bad at telling lies ?

A: Because you can see right through them !

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Clean jokes-Little Bunny Foo Foo

Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head.

Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon! I will give you THREE chances!"

The next day:

Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head.

Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon! I will give you TWO more chances!"

The next day:

Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I don't want to see you scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head. If you don't behave, I will turn you into a goon! I will give you ONE more chance!"

The next day:

Little Bunny Foo-Foo, hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice, and bopping them on the head.

Down-n-n-n came the good fairy. She said, "Little Bunny Foo-Foo, I warned you! I gave you three chances, and you didn't behave." She waved her magic wand, and POOF! Little Bunny Foo-Foo turned into a goon.

AND THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:

Hare today, goon tomorrow!

(Usually told in song with appropriate hand movements.)

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Good jokes-Story of a King in Africa

The story is told about a king in Africa who had a close friend he grew up with. The friend had a habit of looking at every situation that ever occurred in his life (positive or negative) and remarking, "This is good!"

One day the king and his friend were out on a hunting expedition. The friend would load and prepare the guns for the king. The friend had apparently done something wrong in preparing one of the guns, for after taking the gun from his friend, the king fired it and his thumb was blown off. Examining the situation the friend remarked as usual, "This is good!" To which the king replied, "No, this is NOT good!" and proceeded to send his friend to jail.

About a year later, the king was hunting in an area that he should have known to stay clear of. Cannibals captured him and took them to their village. They tied his hands, stacked some wood, set up a stake and bound him to the stake.

As they came near to set fire to the wood, they noticed that the king was missing a thumb. Being superstitious, they never ate anyone who was less than whole. So untying the king, they sent him on his way.

As he returned home, he was reminded of the event that had taken his thumb and felt remorse for his treatment of his friend. He went immediately to the jail to speak with his friend. "You were right," he said, "it was good that my thumb was blown off." And he proceeded to tell the friend all that had just happened. "And so I am very sorry for sending you to jail for so long. It was bad for me to do this."

"No," his friend replied, "this is good!"

"What do you mean, "this is good!" How could it be good that I sent my friend to jail for a year?"

"If I had not been in jail, I would have been with you!"

Short funny jokes-Mop

A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer...and a mop.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Really funny jokes-Old punster

An old punster made the king the butt of most of his jokes. Consequently, he was loved by the people, but hated by the king.

The king endured the ridicule for months. One day, after hearing people in the streets repeating some of their favorite quips, he had had enough. He had the following statement posted around the royal city:

"By royal decree, anyone who tells a pun will be hanged by the neck until he is dead."

The old punster kept telling his jokes, including puns. He was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to be hanged at dawn in a week's time.

The king's conscience was pricked. He didn't want to execute a citizen for merely telling jokes. So the king sent a message to the hangman on the morning of the execution, telling him that the old man was to be given a pardon if he promised never to tell another pun.

The old man couldn't imagine living in a world where he could not tell a pun. So he replied, "No noose is good news," and died gladly.

Clean jokes-Enjoy

Why does an actor enjoy his work so much?

Because it’s all play.

One line jokes-The post Office

The Post Office in the USA lost $5.1 billion last year making it the most successful government organization in history.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Funny jokes-Under Seige

A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle.

"We must get help," said the king.

"I know," replied the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."

"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."

"No, no," pleaded the army leader. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

Superhero jokes-Bad date

Q: Why did Bruce's date go badly?

A: Because he has BAT breath!

Funny jokes-Visit to LA

President Obama's visit to Los Angeles has really messed up traffic. It took me two hours to get to work. Of course, I ride a little girl's bike to work.

Obama was heckled by someone who said, 'Don't forget about medical marijuana.' The Secret Service has narrowed the suspects down to everyone in L.A.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Really funny jokes-Bird impressions

An actor went to see a new agent one day and said, `You must have a look at my act, it really is innovative. So saying, he flew up to the ceiling, circled the room a few times and landed smoothly on the agent’s desk.

`So you do bird impressions, said the agent, `what else can you do?

SMS jokes-Arrest the ghost

Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghost?

A: He didn't have a haunting license.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Good jokes-The secret box

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid.

It contained $10,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.

Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $10,000?"" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box."

Monday, February 13, 2012

Funny jokes-Pun with string

A string walked into a bar, hopped on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."

Disappointed, the string hopped down from the stool and went to the next bar. He hopped on the barstool and said, again, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."

The string continued down the row of bars in this fashion. At every bar, he hopped on the barstool and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." The bartender at every bar in turn said, "I'm sorry sir, we don't serve strings here."

Finally he got to the last bar in the area. He was tired, he was sweaty, all he wanted was a beer. He trudged inside, climbed on the barstool, and said, "Bartender, gimme a beer." This bartender, too, said, "I'm sorry, sir, we don't serve strings here."

Tired and angry, the string walked outside to think. He was a hard-working string. He deserved a beer. Finally, he came up with an idea. He had a passerby tie him up into a bow and frazzle his ends. Then he went back into the bar, and climbed up on the barstool. "Bartender, gimme a beer!" he said loudly.

The bartender looked him over critically, and finally yelled, "Hey, aren't you that string that was in here a few minutes ago?"

The string replied coolly, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Clean jokes-Parents

Q: What do you call a ghost's mother and father ?

A: Transparents !

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Really funny jokes-Potato family

The Spuds had three daughters, all of whom went away to college. There they met and dated several different people. All three became engaged at the same time, and went home to tell their parents.

The oldest daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have some good news. I'm getting married!"

The parents asked, "So who is the lucky fellow?"

"His name is Daniel Russet," the daughter said, with a hint of pride in her voice.

"Wonderful!" The proud parents exclaimed. "The Russets are a distinguished line of potatoes!"

The middle daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have good news, too. I'm also engaged to be married."

"And who are you going to marry, dear?"

"His name is Benjamin Idaho," the daughter replied.

"Oh, the Idahos are a fine old potato family," Mom and Dad Spud said. "We're so happy for both of you!"

The youngest daughter's turn came. She said, "Mom, Dad, you won't believe this. I'm engaged, too!"

"And who is your lucky fellow?" the parents wanted to know.

His name is Tom Brokow," was the reply.

At this the parents looked at their youngest daughter with a disapproving stare. "But, honey," they gasped. "That won't do at all! Why, he's just . . . a common tater!"

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Comments by actress

From the mini-series "Moviola," an actress commenting on a director's last film :

"I could swallow a can of Kodak and puke a better movie than that."

Celebrity jokes-Bob Marley's wife

Q: What did Bob Marley say when his wife left him and took the oven?

A: No Woman, No Pie

Friday, February 10, 2012

Really funny jokes-In and Out

Once there was a family of skunks who lived in a hollow tree. There were two baby skunks. Their names were In and Out.

Now whenever In went out, Out came in, and whenever Out went out, In came in. If In happened to be in and wanted to go out, he would not go out until Out came in. And if Out happened to be in, and wanted to go out, he would not go out until In came in.

One day a big storm blew up, and the mother and father skunks were worried about their children. So they quickly looked around to see whether In was in and Out was out or if Out was in and In was out. Out happened to be in right then. The mother skunk said to Out, "Out, go out and bring In in, please. I'm worried about him."

Out said, "Sure thing, Mama." So Out went out, and for the very first time Out and In were out at the same time. Just a minute or two later Out came back in, and In came in behind him. For the first time in a long time In and Out were in at the same time.

The mother skunk was amazed. "Out, how did you find your brother so quickly?" she asked.

"Oh, Mama, it was easy," Out said. "In stinked!"

If you need a hint, that's instinct.

Short funny jokes-Street

Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best ?

A: A dead end !

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Clean jokes funny-The Piano tuner

A man moved to another state where he didn't know anyone. In the move, his old piano was jarred, and of course it needed to be tuned when the man arrived.

So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.

Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.

After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.

To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."

"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."

"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."

One line jokes-A girl's best friend

A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Really funny jokes-High diving board

A bit-part actor finally got his first leading role in a major film. In one scene the actor had to jump off a high diving board in to a swimming pool. He climbed to the top of the board, looked down and promptly climbed down again.

`What’s the matter? asked the director.

`I can’t jump from that board! said the actor.

`Do you know there’s only one foot of water in that pool?

'Yes', said the director. `We don’t want you to drown, you know.'

Health fitness jokes-Cardiovascular exercise

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Funny jokes-Big Willy

After, Prince William and Kate Middleton tied the knot, Kate has gone on record saying she likes to call her husband "Big Willy". I'll bet her family is glad she's not marrying someone named Richard.

Celebrity jokes-Marry a Billionaire

Q: Why did Anna Nicole Smith marry 80-year old billionaire J. Howard Marshall?

A: Because a successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend!

Monday, February 6, 2012

Really funny jokes-Bet in the bar

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

One line jokes-Pharmacist

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Good jokes-Film directors

How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he’s done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Really funny jokes-Humor is a high priority

Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some actual humorous statements by airline flight crews:
"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I can`t imagine."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat outside on the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults ac ting like children."

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it`s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have or anything else that you might wanna give us!"

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Hilarious jokes-We don't serve snails

A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says 'Sorry we don't serve snails' and throws him out. A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...

'What did you do that for!'

Friday, February 3, 2012

Short political jokes-Opposite of Pro

If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of progress.

Animal jokes-New Year's resolution for Dogs

New Year's resolution for Dogs

* I will not bark each time I see or hear a dog on TV.
* I will not steal underwear belonging to my mistress and then dance all over the back yard with it.
* I will not chew red crayons or pens, because my master will think that I am haemorrhaging.
* I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
* I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE I enter the house.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Really funny jokes-The nuclear physicist

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.

"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."

"Absolutely," said the head.

"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution."

"An interesting possibility," said the head.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

Clean jokes-Thanksgiving

Why did the Pilgrims create Thanksgiving?

They wanted another excuse to watch football.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Low budget film

The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they’ve gotten for the cast. “First of all,” he tells him, “We’ve got Gibson in the lead.”

The director is surprised, “You got Mel Gibson?”

“Well, no,” the Producer responds, “we got Marvin Gibson, he’s a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he’s very up and coming. And besides, we’ve also got Redford.”

“You got Robert Redford?” the director asks.

“No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he’s very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But,” he says enthusiastically, ”we’ve got Streisand and in a singing role.”

“Barbara Streisand?” he asks.

“No, Elizabeth Streisand.” The Producer responds. “But she’s got a great voice. AND we’ve got Goulet.”

“You got Robert Goulet?” the director asks.

“Yeah,” the producer replies glumly, “we got Robert Goulet.”

Good jokes-Batgirl

What does Batgirl wear to bed?

A: Her Dark Knight gown!