Really Funny Jokes

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Saturday, August 30, 2014

Black sheep

Nixon, a social worker volunteers to go deep into one of Africa's under-developed north-east regions to live with a tribe there and educate them. He spends many years with them and teaches them to read, write and helps them inculcate socially acceptable behavior.

Nixon stressed on them to avoid extra marital relationships, or experimenting outside marriage.

One fine day, a white child is born to the wife of one of the tribesmen. The entire village is shocked by this. The Chief summons Nixon and says to him, All this time that you have been here, you have taught us not to be promiscuous, to be faithful to our spouses, and yet we find a black woman giving birth to a white child. No other white man than yourself has even come to this village. It is obvious that you are responsible."

Nixon tried to calm down the chief and said, "My dear fellow, you are misunderstanding the situation. What you have witnessed here is an act of nature. Its a phenomenon that we call an albino. Look around yourself, amongst the white sheep, you will find a black one. In the jungles, you will find a white tiger, there are even albino crocodiles. Phenomenons like these occur once in a while."

The chief thinks about this for a moment and then says, "I have a proposal. You keep quiet about the black sheer and I will keep quiet about the white child."

Friday, August 29, 2014

About time!

Old Mr. McPherson felt the need to be with a woman again. His wife had died 10 years back and he would feel very lonely at times. So he decides to have a good time before he dies of old age. He gets dressed in his best jacket and heads to the town bar. He finds a pretty young thing whom he wines and dines. They end up at her place and have an action-packed night.

After 10 days, he finds a discharge from his manhood. He rushes to the doctor to find out what it is. The doc examines him and asks him about any adventures that he had in the past couple of weeks. Old McPherson tells the doc about his night out.

The doc asks him, "Do you remember her name?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

The doc then asked, "Do you remember where she lives?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

"Okay then", said the doc, "My advice is...run back to her...I have reason to believe you are about to come."

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Flute player's diagnosis

Harry, the flute player went to a doc who told him, "You have AIDS. You have only six more months to live."
 
The flute player said "And what am I going to live on for an entire six months?"

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

A different kind of gig

Rex, a saxophone player was frustrated because he was not getting any work. He called his agent who told him that there were no shows that he could help him with, however, he could get him a gig catching tigers to sterilize them.

Rex was upset and asked his agent what had it got to do with his musical talents. The agent told Rex that they paid 200 bucks per tiger caught.

Rex accepts the offer out of desperation. He goes to the jungle with his saxophone. He sees a tiger moving towards him. Not knowing what else to do, he starts playing his saxophone. The tiger starts getting sleepy and dozes off. He puts the tiger in a bag and hauls it into the pick up truck.

He finds another tiger and again starts playing a ballad on his instrument. The tiger falls asleep and Rex puts it in the truck. He does this all day and secures 49 tigers. He is just about to call it a day when he sees another tiger. He starts playing his instrument again but sees that the tiger continues to advance towards him. Rex plays faster but the tiger starts running towards him. He plays faster but the tiger is almost on top of him and kills him.

One of the tiger on the pick up truck says to another, "I was sure when he gets to our deaf brother, the gig would be over."

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Blindfolded

Father Jeremy decided to drop in at the home of one of his church regulars on Saturday night. As he approached the house, he heard loud music. When he rang the doorbell, it was answered by the church goer. Behind him, he saw a big group of guys not wearing any clothes. There were blindfolded girls moving from one guy to another, feeling each guy's manhood and trying to figure out who it was.

Father Jeremy, seeing all this said, "I should leave, I don't think I belong here."

The owner of the house said, "You must be kidding father. Your name has been called 4 times already!"

Monday, August 25, 2014

Slippery

Priest James Asher was upset. There were so may people who had been confessing that they were unfaithful to their spouses, partners etc. He was tired of hearing it time and again. He would be turning 60 this May and he wanted to root out the word "unfaithful" from his life. He spread the word that he had had enough of the word "unfaithful" and he did not want to hear it again. Anybody who went to James Asher's confessional would now have to use the word "slipped". So if you have been unfaithful to your wife, you would say you slipped. Gradually, people accepted it and the priest was happy with the change he made.

A couple of years later, priest James Asher retired and his place was taken by a young priest, Alex from out of town. It didn't occur to anyone to warn the young priest about the change of word in the confessional. After hearing the confessions in the first week, priest Alex went to see the municipal governor. He said to the governor, "Sir, the streets in this town need cleaning and maintenance. I hear all the time that people are slipping everywhere."

The municipal governor immediately understood the situation and what was wrong here. He just laughed out loud.

Priest Alex, puzzled by this behavior, said to the governor, "This is no laughing matter, Gov. Why, your wife told me that she slipped twice last week!"

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Worried wife

Yohan felt that there was something wrong with his body. Lately, he had noticed his manhood growing a few centimeters every week. Though thrilled initially, his excitement ran down when he noticed that there was no stopping its growth. He decided it was time to visit a doctor. He met Dr. Holmes, a specialist, and explained the problem to him. After examining him, Dr. Holmes  gave his diagnosis, "Well, you have a rare condition. But do not worry, it can be corrected with surgery."

Yohan's wife, Lili, who was waiting outside the doc's cabin, overheard the conversation. She rushed in to ask, "Will he need support to walk?"

"Walk?" asked Dr. Holmes.

Lili asked with concern, "You are going to increase the length of his legs, right?"

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Feign ignorance

Martha had arranged for a carpool for her daughter Juliet to go for her tennis classes. It was her turn on Wednesday, but her husband had the car. She felt awkward to tell the woman with whom she had the carpool arrangement, that she would not be able to take her turn. Since it had to be done, she called the woman and explained. The other woman agreed and just a few minutes before she was due to arrive, Martha's husband showed up. It was too late for her to call her carpool partner and explain that she could make it after all. So she asked her husband to park the car in the garage and close the garage door.

Martha instructed her daughter Juliet that she should feign ignorance about her father's whereabouts. Everything was set but the husband did not remember to shut the garage door. He was chatting with a friend right in front of the garage with the door open! Came along the carpool friend and took Juliet for the tennis classes.

When Juliet returned, Martha asked her if the carpool friend had noticed.

"She did", replied Juliet. "She asked me which one of the two men in front of the garage was my father. I told her I have no idea"

Friday, August 22, 2014

Marie's students

Marie was a regular at Sunday church and she also taught in Sunday school. Dean liked her a lot but could not muster enough courage to tell her so. Finally, one day he asked her out. He said, “Marie, how about having dinner with me tonight?”

Marie agreed, “Yes, that would be nice.”

So Dean took her to the best restaurant in town. They settled down and Dean asked, “How about some alcohol before dinner?” 

Marie retorted: “Oh Jesus, no, what would I tell my students?”

Dean was disappointed. He fumbled in his pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Marie. Marie refused,  “My students look up to me. I always tell them to remain away from all vices.”

Dean was lost. Somehow he finished dinner and immediately decided to drive Marie home. On the way, he saw a motel sign and as he had nothing to lose, so he asked without any hope, “If you want, we can stay at the motel.”

Marie said, “Why not? Sure.”

Dean was aghast at this turn of events. But drove into the motel before Marie could change her mind.

He checked in with Marie. They made themselves comfortable and had an extremely good time.

The next morning, Dean asked, “Marie, I wonder. How are you going to explain this to your students?”

Marie replied, “That it is not necessary for us to smoke and drink to have a good time.”