Really Funny Jokes

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Saturday, November 22, 2014

Gloves with money

Old Gerald was happy for his granddaughter Betty who was getting married. During the ceremony, he slipped a 1000 dollars into her hands and said she could use it when she felt cranky and wanted to splurge. Betty kissed her grandpa and slid the money in her right glove.

Owing to family tradition, Betty and her groom Peter spent their first night in the family mansion. Late in the night, Betty's grandma saw her sneaking out of her bedroom and heading towards another room. She called out to Betty amnd asked, "Where are you going this late?"

Betty replied, "Oh, I left my gloves in another room and I must have them now."

"God help girls of today", Grandma said, "Young woman, you go back to your room right now and grasp that thing with your bare hands same way I did your grandpa's."

Friday, November 21, 2014

A flute for Dustin

Dustin had taken leave from his services in the army to get married. No sooner was the wedding over, Dustin got a call from the army directing him to to resume his duties with immediate effect. He was informed that he was stationed in Vietnam.for 2 years. 

After he reached Vietnam, he really started to miss his wife. He sent a mail to her. It read, "Sweetheart, it seems like I am going to be here for a long time. I miss you terribly. You know the local girls here are quite attractive and its so hard to fight the temptation. I guess I will have to take up some hobby to keep my mind from wandering."

Lisa, his bride wrote back to him, "Sweetheart, I have couriered a parcel to you. It will solve your problem."

When Dustin received the parcel, he found a flute inside with a note 'You should learn to play this.'

Finally, the two years came to an end, and Dustin got to go back home. He rushed to his wife, and picking her up in his arms, said, "Oh God! How much I missed you. I want you so much...let's go to bed."

"Wait a minute", said Lisa, "Lets hear you play the flute first."

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Missing mule

Nathan lived in the country and wanted to go to town to find some work.

So one fine day, he headed for town riding his mule. When he reached, Nathan went to an eatery to catch some grub, tying his mule outside. When he came out, he found his mule was missing! He searched for his beloved mule all day but it had just vanished. He stayed in the town for a couple of days looking for his missing friend, but could not find him.

Disappointed and demoralized, he decided to return to his village. He boarded a train to go back.

He was lying down on his berth, when he could hear a couple groping and fidgeting on the berth above him. They were kissing and feeling each other. The guy said to his girlfriend in a very romantic tone, "I can see the whole wide world in your beautiful eyes."

Nathan jumped and said, "If you see the whole would, please help me find my mule!"

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Won't lie to a dying man

Peter Jones was lying on his deathbed. His family was there next to him - his wife Paula and his three sons. While two of his sons, Patrick and Pedro were handsome and well-built, the third son, Jeremy, was extremely ugly.

Peter says to his wife in a weak voice, "Paula dear, there is something that I always wanted to ask you. I can't go in peace unless I know. Is Jeremy really my son? Please tell me the truth. I will forgive you if you tell me the truth."

Paula strokes his hair gently and answers, "Yes, Jeremy is your son. I swear by God that you are his father. I would not lie to a dying man."

Peter, satisfied, by the answer, dies in peace.

Paula mutters, "What a relief he didn't ask about Patrick and Pedro."

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The problems with old age

Desmond, Gary and Michael - all gentlemen of age 80 plus are enjoying each others company in a park in Washington DC.

Desmond brings up the subject of life at their age, and says, "It's a wretched life. I am at an age where I can afford exotic food. You all know what a foodie I am. But the doctor will allow me only boiled vegetables."

Gary has his own tale of woes. He says, "I sure agree with Desmond. When I come to a point in my life where I can afford the best wines, what do I have? A bad liver. It sucks."

Michael joins the cribbing club and says, "I know the feeling folks. Last night, I woke up the missus at 3 am and asked if she would like to do it. She yelled at me asking me if I was in my senses cos we had just finished doing it for the 2nd time last night."

There was a pause, and then Desmond asked, "So, what is the problem?"

Michael replied, "Can't you see guys? I am losing my memory!"

Monday, November 17, 2014


Janco, a tourist from China visited Cherrapunji in India. Janco was unaware of the fact that Cherrapunji is one of the wettest places on earth. It was raining the day Janco arrived. It rained the next day and the day after that. She was there for almost a week and there was not a day without rain.

Sipping a cup of hot tea at a local joint, she saw a kid and asked him, "Hello, does it ever stop raining in this town?"

The little fellow replied, "How would I know? I am only 5."

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Fear of Freddie

Freddie and Mary were married for many years but all they did was fight. They would not agree on anything and would quarrel day in and day out. In fact, the neighbours had all become tired of this constant bickering and fighting. One thing they often heard during these arguments was the man's hiss-like warning saying, "When I am dead, I am going to dig up and walk out of my grave to give you nightmares all your life."

The neighbours thought Freddie practiced voodoo. There were strange happenings in the small town like strays getting hurt, and they thought Freddie was responsible.

One night, Freddie suddenly died under mysterious circumstances. After the funeral, Mary headed for the local pub and had the time of her life.

She partied every night and would come home very late.

Some of her neighbours asked her, "Aren't you tensed about what Freddie used to repeatedly tell you. With all the voodoo practice he indulged in, and his threat that he would dig up and walk out of his grave to stalk you, aren't you scared?"

Mary replied, "Let him dig all he wants. I buried the joker upside down."

Friday, November 14, 2014

The village fools

Gerald and Tony were the village fools who were made fun of all the time.

They were riding together on their bicycles, when Gerald stopped abruptly, got off his bicycle and began to let air out of the tyres.

Tony said to him, "What the hell are you doing?"

Gerald replied, "I wanted my seat to be low as I have to stretch too much while pedaling."

Tony could not stand such display of stupidity. He got off his bicycle, loosened his seat and turned it in the opposite direction.

Now, it was Gerald who was surprised. He asked, "And what are you doing?"

Tony replied, "Listen buddy, if you will continue doing such idiotic things, I am going back home."

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Neither do I

Ted and Diana met at a night club. After a couple of drinks, they decided to go to Diana's place. After a night full of passion, Diana was the first one to wake up.

She went to the kitchen, and called out, "Honey, would you like bed-tea?"

Ted replied, "No sugar, I will join you in the kitchen."

Diana said, "Darling, would you like corn flakes with milk for breakfast?"

Ted replied, "Sweety, I would prefer wheat flakes, thanks!"

Diana said, "Wait a minute...don't tell me you don't remember my name either!!"