Really Funny Jokes

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Monday, October 20, 2014

No signs of improvement

Jim Weber, the conductor was furious with Hank, the drummer, who constantly seemed to be out of beat. Having supervised him for long hours, Jim felt frustrated as Hank did not show any signs of improvement.
 
Frustrated, Jim Weber reprimanded Hank, "When a performer can't perform anymore and is too stubborn to pick up, they give him 2 sticks, and make him a drummer."

A violinist whispered, "And if he doesn't even manage that, they snatch one of his sticks and make him a conductor!"

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Lost business

Betty-Boo, the chubby blonde, was talking to her old friend Lisa Ray.

She complained, "You know I am on the road a lot. My business depends on fabric samples that my customers courier to me, based on which I proceed with outsourcing of finished garments. But because of my travel, the couriers don't reach me."

Lisa Ray asked her, "So did you try to do something about it?"

"Yes" replied Betty-Boo. "I put a box in my car."

"A box??? How does it help?"

Betty-Boo said, "I don't know as yet. I haven't received any couriers so far."

Lisa Ray asked, "And what is the reason for it?"

Betty Boo answered, "Guess when I am on the move, my zip code keeps changing."

Friday, October 17, 2014

My business

Terry, ever so drunk, goes up to a cute blonde in the pub and says to her, "Do you mind me asking you a personal question?"

The blonde shrugs and said, "I have an idea where this conversation will finally lead to, so go ahead, ask your question."

Terry said, "All right, how many guys have you slept with?"

The blonde retorted, "None of your business. That's my business."

Terry said, "Cool! So what do you charge for a night?"

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Vengeance

Boka says to his friend Khoka, "How do you compare Vengeance to Sweet vengeance?"

Khoka says, "You only tell the answer."

Boka says, "Vengeance is gunning for your enemy's wife, and sweet revenge is discovering she is lousy in bed!"

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Letter from Suzie

Rob worked at the local post office, and one day he day he found a letter which was addressed to God. Intrigued, he decided to open it. It read:


Dear Allmighty

I am a 79 year old widow surviving on pension. Last evening, I got mugged on the streets, and was robbed of the $500 that I had to last me for the rest was of the month. It is my granddaughter's birthday next week and I had planned on buying a nice present for her. Now, I have no money even to buy food. I am depending on you for help.

In need

Suzie.


Rob was moved by the letter and showed it to all his colleagues. Immediately, everyone started contributing to a small fund they created. When they counted the money, it totaled to $490. They put it in an envelope & sent it to Suzie anonymously. Thinking that Suzie would now be able to buy a gift for her granddaughter, they all felt good for having contributed to a noble cause.

A few days later, they found another letter from the old widow which was again addressed to God. All the employees in the dept gathered to read the letter.

The letter said:

Dear Almighty

I can't thank you enough for your kind gesture. I was able to buy a nice gift for my granddaughter and felt so satisfied to see the happiness on her face when she received the gift. I was also able to pull through the rest of the month. Just wanted to inform you that there were $10 short in the envelope. I am sure it is the work of those crooks in the postal department. I hope you will punish them!

Ever-so-grateful 

Suzie.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Problem with Peter

When Peter went to see his doctor, he had a radish stuck in his left ear, a carrot in his right ear, and a lady finger stuck in each of the nostrils.

The doctor, visibly shocked asked him, "What is this?"

Pater replied, "Doctor, I am not feeling too well, can you tell me what's the problem with me?"

The doctor sighed and replied, "To begin with, you are not eating properly."

Monday, October 13, 2014

Habitual late-comer

Gabriel was a late-comer. He would always be late to work and had been reprimanded many times by his boss, Mr. Ambrose. The problem with Gabriel was that he just could not get himself to leave the bed in the morning. When he was late once again during the busy last week of the month, Mr. Ambrose gave him a final warning, "One more time you are late, and you are permanently out of here."

Gabriel went to see a doctor and narrated his predicament. The doctor gave him a few medicines and asked him to take it after meals.

Gabriel felt relaxed and got up early in the morning. He had a hearty breakfast and made it to his office before time.

The moment he saw Mr. Ambrose walk in, Gabriel said, "Well Mr. Ambrose, I will not give you a reason to get upset again. I feel fresh as a Daisy!"

"That's okay" said Mr. Ambrose, "But why were you not in office yesterday?"

Sunday, October 12, 2014

FYF

The topic of the Sunday sermon was "FYF", short for Forgive Your Foes. Preacher James Asher, after having spoken on the subject for nearly an hour, asked the congregation, "So how many of you present here are  prepared to forgive your foes?"

Some people raised their hands. Not happy with the poor response, Preacher James preached some more and then repeated the question to the gathering. This time, many more people raised their hands.

Still not satisfied, Preacher James prolonged his sermon a little more and repeated the question once again. Almost everyone raised their hands this time, except for a grumpy little old man.

Preacher James asked the little man, "Mr. Walker, are you still not ready to forgive your foes?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I ain't got any."

Preacher James said, "That's strange. How old are you?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I am eighty-eight."

Preacher James said, "Mr. Walker, please come here on the podium and tell the gathering how one can get to the age of eighty-eight without having any foes."

Mr. Walker walked up to where Preacher James was standing, and said to the crowd, "Didn't have to do anything. I just outlived those jokers."

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Return a kid

Mrs. Fernandis stormed into the local Radio Jockey's studio and said, "Need your help with an announcement to be made on radio. My husband, Joe, left me and took my two little kids with him."

Malishka, the RJ, said, "I will certainly help you. You are live on air. You can speak out the message yourself."

Mrs. Fernandis said, "Dear Joe, please return one kid because only one is yours!"