Really Funny Jokes

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Friday, July 25, 2014

How good is your son

Josie ran into her old friend Diana in a shopping mall.

After the usual pleasantries, Josie asked Diana, "Hasn't your son graduated in Commerce?"

Diana replied, "Yes, he has."

Josie asked, "So what does he do now?"

Diana replied, "He has joined a mens clothing store as a salesman."

Josie said, "A salesman? Is he good at his job?"

Diana smiled and said, "You ask if he is good. Let me tell you he is just too good! Why, the other day an old lady came to his store to purchase a suit to bury her dead husband in. Can you believe it, my son convinced her to buy an extra shirt for him!"

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Santa's presence of mind

Santa Singh was returning home after a hard day of work. It was late in the night and the streets were deserted. Suddenly, an armed man came out from behind the bushes and pointing his gun at Santa, said in a harsh tone, "Give me your wallet."

Santa handing his wallet said to the perpetrator, "You can take my money but please use your gun to put a hole in my turban, or else Jassi, my wife, will never believe I was robbed."

The mugger agreed and shot through Santa's turban.

Santa had another request and giving his jacket to the perpetrator, said, "Can you pump a few bullets into my jacket to make it look like I put up a good fight, or else my wife Jassi will get the chance to call me a coward."

The mugger agreed and shot a number of bullets through Santa's jacket.

Santa was ready with another request. He said, "One more thing. Can you..."

The perpetrator interrupted him and said, "Listen, I am out of bullets. There's nothing more I can do for you."

"Good", replied Santa, pulling up his sleeves to show his muscular arms, "Now, give me back my wallet and hand me your wallet to cover for my turban & jacket that you messed up. Or else I will beat the pulp out of you!"

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Founder's day

This has to be one of the best jokes I have heard.

It was the founder's day at the Asian Heart institute, a reputed hospital specializing in heart diseases.

Dr. Robert Smith had been invited to be the chief guest and to deliver a speech on healthy living. During his speech, Dr Smith said, "The things that we eat can end our lives. Aerated drinks corrode our bodies, red meat is dangerous for the heart, Chinese food is full of sodium, our drinking water has bacteria, high fat foods have dangerous impacts over a period of time. However, there is one food that we have all relished and which can cause the highest level of damage. Can anyone seated here tell me what is that food which can cause anguish and misery for years after eating it.

There was silence in the audience, till the time a very old gentleman slowly raised his hand and replied, "Wedding cake."

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Stingy old money lender

Rahat Khan, a stingy old money-lender in rural India, was on his death bed. So great was his love for money that he wanted to take all of it to his afterlife. So Rahat Khan instructed his wife to collect 5 grand from the bank and put it in 2 large leather cases. The next instruction to her was to place the leather bags in the attic
just above his bed so that when he started for his final destination, he would grab the bags while proceeding to Heaven.

Rahat Khan died and his wife led a lonely life. After a few months, when she went to the attic to clean, she found the two bags stuffed with money. She said to herself, "That foolish husband of mine, he should have asked me to place the bags in the basement!"

Monday, July 21, 2014

Tailors will be tailors

Jason Willis thought he had grown too fat for his trousers so he took them to the tailor to have them altered. He was sent on an overseas job the very next day and for the next 4 years, he was posted at his organization's branch in Delhi, India.

When he returned to Melbourne after a good 4 years and what seemed to him an eternity, he discovered the tailor's receipt in his wardrobe drawer. He remembered the trousers he had given to be altered to size 34, so he headed straight for the tailor's shop. Luckily the shop was still there.

Jason gave the receipt to the tailor and said, "Are my trousers ready?"

The tailor, without looking at him, replied, "Yes sir, it will be ready next Friday."

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Overweight girl

Adam went to Tito's bar in Goa and saw an overweight girl dancing on a table.

Adam commented, "Nice legs!"

The overweight girl smiled at him and said, "Yeah? You really think so?"

Adam said sarcastically, "Yeah! I mean it. Most other tables would have crashed by now!"

Saturday, July 19, 2014

a worthy reply

Rita : Darling, I need $500 for shopping.

Harry (a little upset): You need brains more than money.

Rita (retorting): I can only ask you for something that you have!

Friday, July 18, 2014

Mahabharata woes

Gandhari: “Putra Duryodhan, is yuddh ki samapti ke paschat mujhe Ganga snan ke liye le jana.”

Duryodhan: “Avashya mate, kintu ek samasya hai. Producer ne budget main Ganga snan pass nahin kiya.”

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Boys will be boys

Roger was taking a walk with the priest when he said he wanted to share something. The priest asked him to go on and Roger said, "It's about my son. I deal in clothes and I asked him to join my business. Last week, I caught him kissing one of the models."

The priest tried to console him, "It okay Roger. Why are you making such a big deal out of it? Boys will be boys."

Roger replied, "I deal in men's clothes."